Human & Holy

I Didn’t Know Who I Was || with Miriam Cohen
a story of healing from co-dependency, through the seven emotional sefirot

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Miriam Cohen: My name is Miriam Cohen. We live in the mystical city of Tzfat. My husband and I run an online school called livekabbalah.com. And I teach in various institutions in Tzfat. And thank G-d, I am blessed to be the mother of all ten Sefirot. Thank G-d. 

Tonia Chazanow: I love that. Okay. Can you share with us just a brief introduction of what the Sefirot are? And then tell us, when did you start feeling some type of connection to it that went beyond it just being a cool idea? 

Miriam: Okay. In a nutshell, the succinct version is that the Sefirot are the building blocks of creation. They are the spiritual DNA of the world. And the Zohar says that Hashem created the world through the Sefirot in order to have a relationship with us. In order for an infinite G-d to have a relationship with finite man, He created the world through the Sefirot, and all of creation, all the inanimate objects, the animate objects, our souls, and our physical bodies were created through the Sefirot.

Now there are three intellectual Sefirot and seven emotional Sefirot. And the essence of Sefirat Haomer is that we're counting these seven weeks. Each week is connected to a different one of the seven emotional Sefirot in order to refine ourselves, our animal souls, our emotional makeup, in order to prepare ourselves to receive the Torah. 

Tonia: Nice. Okay. So This is something that I think a lot of people aspire towards, really utilizing the Sefirot as a way of preparing to receive the Torah. You have had a real journey with these Sefirot. How did you get really immersed in the Sefirot and how did it become so deeply relevant to your life? 

Miriam: I was actually teaching the Sefirot in, I think Machon Alte, and in another seminary. And I was teaching it kind of I would say more from an intellectual perspective. I definitely appreciated it. But then around the age, I think I was 39. Everything looked great on the outside. I was teaching, and I was hosting a lot, involved in the community. And everything looked great. But on the inside, I was really struggling. I was very anxious. I wasn't sleeping well. And then really things started to decline. Again, no one noticed it. But I felt it inside me. 

And then I was 39-years-old and I had a miscarriage. Thank G-d, we had nine children at the time, and I had a miscarriage. And I really went downhill. I really was extremely anxious. And I remember just waking up and just the whole day feeling like my chest was super tight. And I just felt this sense of anxiety. And I was really sitting with myself after that miscarriage and really being curious with myself, like, "What is this?" 

Obviously, it's a very challenging situation. But I realized that the core of it all was that my whole essence was really tied up in being a mother, thank G-d, baruch Hashem, and a caregiver, and a nurturer. But it was kind of scary. I was 39-years-old. And I didn't know if I was going to have any other kids. And it was like, "Oh my gosh. Who am I? What is my life going to be like without just nursing and having babies and taking care of others? Who am I on the inside? What do I really like to do? What do I enjoy?" 

And I remember speaking to friends and telling them my feelings. And they were like, "Miriam, you're crazy. This is so exciting this time of life. You'll finally be able to pursue other things that you're interested in." And I don't know. I couldn't – I heard it, but I was just – This kind of fear of facing myself is really challenging. 

And then things really declined to the point where one day, I had heart palpitations. I thought I was having a heart attack. I called my husband. He called Hatzalah. And I went to the hospital. And they checked me out. They're like, "You're fine." And the doctor said to me, "Maybe you're just having a panic attack. Maybe this is anxiety." So I came home and I was like, "Okay. You really got to take this seriously." 

I reached out to a therapist, an amazing therapist. And after a number of sessions this therapist said to me, "I think you're really struggling with codependency." Now, that was a big bombshell moment for me. Because when I started to look into what codependency was, it's essentially when a person, their whole essence, their whole life is they're just emotionally entangled in other people. They're nurturers. They're empaths. They feel the feelings of others very strongly. But they don't have a strong sense of self. So they're people pleasing. I was constantly people pleasing. I didn't know how to say no. I was a real perfectionist. Because, again, what is a perfectionist? It's like I’m thinking about how others are going to perceive me. 

So that was a big bombshell moment. And it happened while I was teaching about the Sefirot. And I picked up a book called The Tools, which basically I wanted to understand how to help myself. And this book called The Tools had seven tools of self-help of how to really actualize your potential and really heal yourself. And I started reading, and I was like, "Oh my gosh! These seven tools that they're talking about in this book were connected to the seven emotional Sefirot." 

And I started really like, "Whoa! I have been teaching this for so long." The Sefirot, again, are our spiritual DNA. They're our emotional DNA, the emotional makeup of who we are. So if I really immerse myself into learning the Sefirot and really integrating these concepts of how they really apply to my life, I realize that is going to bring healing to my life. 

If codependency in essence was unrectified chesed, unrectified giving, then if I really, really want to really heal that, I could go into the self-help world, I can go into the world of therapy, and that was all amazing and a very important part of the process. But at the same time, if I realize if I look at it from a spiritual perspective and really integrate the self-help and the psychology together, then I would really bring healing to myself. That's really how it started. 

Tonia: Oh my gosh. What an amazing journey. I’m so excited to explore more and hear from you on this topic. That concept that codependency was unrectified chesed, and that you recognized that you could explore that more through actually looking at chessed and what the right balance of chessed is with other Sefirot. 

I’m wondering if you could share a little bit more about that. What did you find within the Sefirot that could help you curb that chessed that was kind of running without end?

Miriam: Chesed, which is defined as love, or kindness, desire. It's this very expansive energy. It says that Hashem is recreating the world. And he created the world and is recreating the world at every moment through this attribute of chessed. It's really the fundamental spiritual quality of the world. 

I realized, when I kind of really sat with that and integrated it and digested that, I was like, "Whoa!" I realized that my relationship with Hashem was really not a loving relationship. Even though for so many years I’ve been immersed in Chassidus. I kind of realized, "Well, I didn't look at Hashem really through that lens of love." And really, I wasn't looking at myself from that lens. I realized that I didn't have this sense. That there was so much self-hate, and self-judgment, and a sense of shame within myself. And again, if this is the spiritual fundamental energy in the universe, like, it's here for me. You know? So that was like a big, like, whoa, aha moment in this process. 

And it even says that Hashem is recreating the world at every moment through yud-kay-vov-kay, the highest name of Hashem. And if we break down the gematria of yud-kay-vov-kay through each letter. Like, there's a way of spelling it out in gematria that way that it comes out yud-kay-vov-kay is 72, which is the same gematria as Chessed, as love, as kindness. Again, this idea, it's here for me. Like, I don't have to go so far out to feel Hashem's love and to really feel the love within myself. 

Now, it says also about chesed, that chesed is compared to water. Now, just like water, it flows from above to below. So it says that kabbalistically, it's kind of like the perspective on high. As if we're like zoning out and we're going up high to this perspective of high. So let's say, for example, you're on an airplane and you're looking over the Bahamas, or Yerushalayim, or you're on this airplane, you're looking at the window over Harlem, or a garbage dump, like, "Oh, they look beautiful." 

And that's really how Hashem looks at the world from this vantage point where he just sees us from this perspective of light, and love, and goodness, and kindness. But again, I was like, "Why am I not seeing myself from that perspective?" So just kind of tapping into that energy really helped me start integrating these teachings.

And then Ahavah, if you look at the word for love. Again, I felt like this journey for me was in really understanding what is love, what is self-love, and really how to love another in a healthy way. So we look at the word for love. It's Ahavah in Hebrew. Ahavah is love. But inside the word Ahavah, we have the word Hav. 

Now, the Zohar says about the word Hav, that when a dog barks, he's saying Hav, which means to take. Like, take-take. A dog is all about me. The idea of like the dog is just receiving for the self. And I realized that, for me, my whole essence was tied up in giving, and nurturing, and caretaking, but I didn't know how to be a receiver at all. I was the woman that was having all these Shabbos guests, and I just did it all myself. And I didn't know how to actually receive help and even really how to receive love. 

Then I really sat with myself and realized that the whole idea of receiving, really, is the essence of femininity, which is Malchut, right? Malchut is the idea of the vessel, which is the final combination of all the Sefirot. It's like the cup that holds it all. 

And I was giving, but I wasn't receiving. Therefore, my giving wasn't coming from a healthy place, because I wasn't filling myself up. And it says Dovid Hamelech who is the chariot, the embodiment of malchut in this world. He says about himself that I am a kosi revayah,  I am a cup that's overflowing. 

And in other words, when we're giving from a place of depletion, when we're giving from a place of we're just totally dried out, like we're just running and taking care of and nurturing, but we're not taking care of ourselves, and especially as women, there's so much that we have to do. So much that we have to give. And when we're not taking care of ourselves, then we're not this kosi revayah. We're not a cup that's overflowing. We're giving from this place of depletion. 

And I really felt like that also really helped to shift things within me. The idea of Malchut is the idea of this vessel, that our vessel needs to be whole. In order to contain all of the light, in order to overflow. And then I really started valuing self-care. What it means to exercise. To eat well. To really take care of myself. To take out time for myself and really take care of just my physical body. And that was also a very big part, I would say, of my healing journey. Definitely a very big part. 

Tonia: Wow! Okay. Before we explore a little bit about where else it led you, I just want to pinpoint how much I loved that Hav point, because it's like in a real relationship, it's reciprocal. And if there's no ability to receive within the love, which I guess is part of the codependency, which is that you always have to give and you always have to be in the giving position, then it's not really Ahavah. And being able to see the world from that perspective of chessed first, then we're able to really experience love. I love how you pinpointed that too, that chessed is the first emotional Sefira. It's the foundation of everything. 

From that place, you can give from a place of true chesed, because it's actually true love, because it's focused on everyone – on yourself and on others. And not only on others to the detriment of yourself.

Miriam: Yeah, for sure. And I really feel, like, in that process of, thank G-d, I always really valued being a mother and really working on my relationship with my children. But I did really see, when I started taking out that time to receive for myself, even that relationship with my kids, that ability to really love. Like, my heart really just opened and expanded. And all my relationships  were so much more deep, and real, and loving, and meaningful in that process. 

Tonia: Can you share a little bit about how you experienced your codependent tendencies? I really think that codependency exists on a spectrum. People experience it differently. How did you experience it? And how did you begin to give to yourself?

Miriam: So it's really interesting. I mean, I think I would say I was on a very severe spectrum of codependency, you could say, because when a person is so codependent and they're so emotionally entangled in others, I really didn't even know about who I was on the inside. 

I’ll tell you, for example, I have a masters in occupational therapy. And it really wasn't even a career that I chose. Every element I realized about myself was something that other people kind of – I looked at others to think, "Oh, wow. Is that something that would be good for me?" Even in a sense of style, like a personal sense of dress or style, I realized I didn't have a sense of what do I like to wear? What really reflects who I am? I was always kind of looking around and being like, "Oh, what do other people wear?"

I remember my husband would even tell me, "Where do you want to go out? Let's go out. Where do you want to go?" And I was like, "I don't know. Where do you want to go?" I just didn't have a sense of self. Everything was just intertwined in others. Yeah. I would say it was pretty severe. But I have to say, as a coach now, who really works a lot with codependency, I see a lot of women really struggling with this with various levels of severity. I would say mine was very severe and it definitely was a very big healing process. But I think a lot of women do struggle with this. 

And especially as women who are constantly giving, giving and giving, for many years we kind of lose a sense of ourselves. And it's so important to really make that connection again to ourselves and to receive and nurture ourselves and really connect to who we are again in this process of motherhood and in our relationships.

Tonia: How did you begin to reconnect to that sense of self and to rediscover who you were?

Miriam: It really took a lot of curiosity, a lot Chochmah, Koach Mah, which is the highest window of our souls. And I really had to sit with myself a lot. For years as a child, I actually loved to swim. And I didn't swim for many years. And all of a sudden, I was like, "Wow. I’m going to try to swim again." And I realized, "Wow." I just loved it. It was so nurturing to me. I was kind of just kind of playing with things. I started an aerobics class. And then I was like, Do I really enjoy it? Or is this something that my friend just enjoys?" And I’m just going along because my friend enjoys it. I was like, "Well, I actually don't really enjoy that." But swimming was something I really enjoyed. 

I remember being in the store and being like, "Okay, Miriam, breathe in. What is your style? Who are you? What is your unique expression in the world?" And shopping actually became a really fun experience. It took a lot of curiosity and a lot of really sitting with myself. 

And I also want to say, I had to really kind of go to the other extreme. The Rambam says, sometimes you have to go to the other extreme in order to go back to the middle ground. I really took – I stopped really hosting a lot of guests. I cut back on a lot of my responsibilities in the process. And I want to say, now that I did that, I’m able to go back and integrate that in a much healthier way. I’m able to now host guests and bring people, host, and teach. But it's so much more integrated, because I know my limits. I know my yes’s. I know my no’s. And it's coming from just a much more healthy balanced place within me. 

I don't feel in a sense that my giving actually got less. It actually, really, I think improved you could say even in quality. I’m much more present to my guests. I’m much more present with my family. Even though, again, I'd be out of the house more because I’m doing some things for myself at various times. And, yeah, I think it was a process. It was a big learning process and a lot of kind of making mistakes and coming back and feeling out the balance. But thank G-d, it was quite a journey. 

Tonia: Oh, I love how you said that the quality of what you give to others has improved. It's like when you are more present with yourself and you are more deeply within yourself and able to own who you are, you're able to show up so much more deeply for others. I love how you said that, even just your love for your children expanded because you were just coming from a totally different headspace. You were not giving from a place of being depleted. 

How did you find the balance? Practically speaking, what is the balance for you right now of giving to yourself and giving to others? You mentioned that you, thank G-d, have many children and many responsibilities. So how have you made that time to continuously nurture yourself and continuously be there for your family or whoever else you have responsibilities towards?

Miriam: I will say, I think that journey of healing codependency really came through understanding and integrating the teachings of what is Gevurah. Maybe I’ll just jump on into that, because I think that's a very big part of that process. 

Tonia: Yes. 

Miriam: Okay. So we have Avraham, who is the chariot of this perfected Chessed in the world. He has two sons. He has Ishmael and he has Yitzchok. Ishmael is this idea really of unhealthy, unrectified chesed. And it says about Ishmael that – Zohar says that he's like – If you have a goldsmith, and he is melting the gold. What comes out of that is this excrement. And that's Ishmael. 

And it says about him that he had anger. He was like an angry person, like resentment and anger. And really, that's a very big part of my codependent healing was also this idea of when a person is doing something from a place of depletion and they really start listening in and tuning into their inner voice, there is anger within them. 

I realized that I was resentful. I was hosting 10 guests or 15 guests each week. You know you can come, for sure. But underneath it, when I really sat with myself, there was a sense of resentment within it. And I think that's a real barometer for unhealthy giving. When we're really emotionally honest with ourselves and like, "Wow! How does that really feel? How does that make me feel? If I start feeling resentful, that is a sign that is unhealthy." 

Tonia: Wow. 

Miriam: Yeah. Yeah. 

Tonia: That's just like – Oh my gosh. Okay. Continue. 

Miriam: Yeah. And who is his other son? Avraham's other son is Yitzchok. And Yitzchok is this chariot in the world of Gevurah, which is really all about moving boundaries, and going inward, and creating borders with others and with ourselves. 

And the thing about Gevurah, I think, is that a lot of people think that Gevurah is mean, or you're being tough, you're being Gevurah. But really, really, Gevurah, actually, it says kabbalistically, the highest level of giving. It says even rain, which is when we said rain, water is Chessed. In the Gemara, it calls it gevuras geshamim. Because, again, rain without Gevurah, without borders, is destructive. 

When we're creating a boundary with another person or with ourselves and we're actually learning to say no when we need to, it’s actually the highest level of giving. If you look at the name Yitzchok, who, again, is the embodiment of Gevurah, his name, comes from the root word tzchok, which means laughter, which is interesting. Because you would think Yitzchok, which is the energy of Gevurah. When we think of laughter, we think much more of this expansive energy. Right. 

Because that's his essence. He's giving in this real way. It's really about the highest level of giving. I really like to call Gevurah as the conscious choice of the outcome that you desire. Like with children, when we're actually saying no, or putting down a boundary with a child, it's because we love them so much. And so we're doing that. It's the highest level of giving. 

But it really takes – Again, especially if you're codependent and you're not used to this, this is not your language, it takes a lot of going inward. And it says that Gevurah is the idea of fire. Fire is the idea of below to above. Also, what does it say about Yitzchok? We don't hear so much about him in the torah. All the forefathers, there was not so much about him in the actual storyline of the torah. What do we see though about Yitzchok? We see that he's digging wells. 

Again, what's the idea of digging wells? It’s going deep within our consciousness. To really implement Gevurah in a healthy way, in a way that it's really about love. It's really about the highest level of giving. We really have to go into ourselves very, very, very deeply and be like, "Wow! Again, what is the outcome that I desire? And how am I going to interact with this person for their benefit?" Because we love them so much. Again, this boundary is about that love. It's an expression of the love that we have for this other person. And I really feel like – I mean, yeah, it's powerful. It's definitely very powerful.

Tonia: Really powerful. Yeah. 

Miriam: The time that we're in right now, it says like the whole rise of the feminine that Malchut is rising. And we think about this time period of the embodiment of Malchut and what that really means, because Malchut is the idea of Mashiach. 

But it says also that the feminine is connected to Gevurah. That the right side of the Sefiratic tree is the idea of Chessed. And the left side of the Sefiratic tree is the idea of Gevurah. And I really think about this idea that the feminine is rising. That before Moshiach, they're really implementing Gevurah and boundaries again in a healthy way, in a way where we're coming to it from a place of the source of it is love. It's a very big spiritual work of the time that we're in right now. Yeah.

And this was something that was also very hard for me to say no to other people where I was letting people walk all over me. I was people pleasing. Like, whatever. I don't matter. And then when I really learned this idea of Gevurah, I realized that when I actually put up a boundary with someone and I say like, "This is not cool. You can't treat me this way." It's actually the highest level of love for that person, because I’m giving them the opportunity to do teshuvah. 

When we really, really care about another person's soul and we say, "No. I’m not going to take being treated like this," we're giving them the opportunity to do teshuvah. And that's the highest level of love and giving that we could actually give to another person. 

Tonia: Oh, that's very interesting. 

Miriam: Yeah. Because when we're in this mindset of codependency and people pleasing, it's hard for us to say no or to put up a boundary. But it's like, "No. I really, really care about you, and I love you so much. I care about your soul so much." So I’m not going to let you keep on treating me in this way. And I’m going to give you an opportunity to do teshuvah by actually putting up a boundary with myself and saying, "This is not cool. Like, this is not going to work for me." 

Tonia: On a very practical level, I definitely have experienced that, that idea. It's not just the soul doing teshuvah. But it's actually the human being having the opportunity to repair whatever was trespassed in the relationship. If they cross a real boundary for you and you're able to communicate that to them, I can really clearly see how that's a gift that you give to them to be able to respond and to repair. If the relationship is meaningful to them, they want the opportunity to repair and to reconnect with you. So when being able to set that boundary and to clearly communicate what you can't really receive from them is a gift to them to be able to really connect with you.

Miriam: Absolutely. So another thing that I’ve also been really conscious of is with my children, really teaching them this idea of healthy boundaries. I think it's a very important part.

So I’ll give you an example. I know, when we're eating supper and all of a sudden the doorbell rings. I feel like my kids are usually jumping up. Or the phone rings and immediately they feel like, "Oh, your phone is ringing. You have to see who it is." And it's like, "No." Teaching kids this idea of borders is really an opportunity for them to connect to their love for themselves, their self-love. 

And when they, again, love themselves, then they're going to really be able to love others in a much more wholesome and real way. 

And I also want to say, another point with this, is that before this world was created, there was the world of Tohu. Now, the world of Tohu was a world where each Sefirah was just expressing itself, divinely expressing itself without integration with the other Sefirah. 

There was just Chessed, full expression of Chessed, without being integrated with Gevurah. There was just Gevurah without being integrated with Tiferet, and so on and so forth. But what happened was the light was so great, but it couldn't contain itself. And then there was Sheviras Hakeilim. Then Hashem created our physical world, the world of Tikun. 

I think that's a very important part that when we're just coming from just Chessed without balancing it with Gevurah, then we're not in this place of integration. It's like Tohu. It's chaotic. I mean, that's where I was. That was my journey of codependency. I was just all about Chessed. And then I was really angry, because there was no balance of Gevurah in it at all. And then it was chaotic. And then, literally, my vessel shattered. Literally. 

But when we're coming to it from a place of integration, when we really start learning about how to integrate borders, and boundaries, and Gevurah, and self-compassion, and all the other Sefirot within it, then we're coming from this place, this world of integration. And then we actually expand our vessel. And I really want to say, then I felt like things I kind of used – Like when I would sit with myself and be angry, you could say, or resentful, I really expanded my vessel and I really was able to, again, expand my quality and quantity of what I could do. 

Tonia: Right. That's exactly what I’m thinking about resentment, is that when you're operating from that place of fullness, things that might have made you feel so resentful previously no longer make you feel resentful. Something as simple as waking up early in the morning with your children can make you feel so resentful if you are so depleted. But if you are so full, then, obviously, yes, it's challenging, and you'd rather stay in your bed. And you have to push through that. But It doesn't feel like it's coming from that place of resentment. 

Miriam: Exactly. And when you really integrated all the Sefirot within you. Like when you're just, again, coming from this place of like one dimension, then, again, we're not integrated. We're not fully embracing our whole selves. And then once we fully embrace this idea of integration of, again, not coming from this Tohu, this chaotic place, but more from this place of Tikun, where I know about how to create boundaries. I’m Malchut. I’m receiving. I know how to have compassion for myself. I know what that really means. Then, again, we're able to – What you're saying, like wake up early, give to our children. But we feel our vessels are full. Our vessels are expanded. Our hearts are open. We're able to do it with more joy and with less of that resentment. And it's a process. I would tell anyone who's really struggling, it's a process. It's a real journey. And you have to really be very emotionally honest with yourself. 

And again, people that are codependent, because they don't have this connection to themselves, it takes a long time to kind of figure out that language of like, "What am I actually feeling?" Really sitting with your own Chochmah, with your own koach mah, with your own curiosity and being like, "What am I thinking? What am I feeling inside? How does this make me feel?" And it's a process. And it's definitely important, I think, to reach out to a good therapist or a coach in that process.

Tonia: Nice. Okay. So let's talk about Tiferet and what your journey has been in integrating Tiferet. We did Chessed. We did approaching yourself from a place of Chessed and recognizing that there may be unrectified Chessed, and Gevurah can come to really enhance what Chessed is. So then, where does Tiferet come into the picture? 

Miriam: Okay. So Tiferet is defined as harmony, as truth, beauty, compassion. So it's really the harmony, again, of this Chessed and Gevurah. So some people think of it, it's like there's red, which is Gevurah, and there's white which is Chessed. And Tiferet is pink. But it's actually not. It's actually a mix you could say of red and white, because it's really both. Anything beautiful, think about it. Any music that's beautiful, or any art piece that's beautiful, or food that's beautiful, it's really this combination, this harmony, this blending of both. 

Practically, for ourselves, it's really becoming in touch and in tune to the different parts of ourselves. Not hiding parts of ourselves in the closet. There are parts of ourselves that we like, and there's parts of ourselves that we're happy to show to the world, and there are other parts of ourselves that we're just hiding in the closet and we're really embarrassed about. And we don't have a loving relationship, we don't have a compassionate relationship with ourselves, then we're not in this place of integration. We're not in this place of harmony, of beauty, of our full self. 

I’d like to say what compassion really is, compassion is observing or really being present with our full self, with a full gamut of our emotions, with all the different parts of ourselves, but without judgment. And again, that takes a lot of Chochmah. A lot of curiosity to really start learning about the different parts of ourselves and really becoming friends with the different parts of ourselves. 

And that's why the idea of the shadow self – It's spoken about in the self-help psychology world, the idea of this shadow self. I think a lot about this. The idea of a shadow. If you're standing against the wall, the shadow is really big. But once you take a step back, the shadow gets smaller. And that's really what compassion is. 

Compassion, again, is really being observing, observing to ourselves, being present with ourselves, but without judgment. And it says that Betzalel, he was the one that built the Mishkan. And what's the idea of every single person and every single one of us are supposed to have an inner Mikdash within ourselves. 

And I think it's really interesting that the whole idea of the shadow of really building our own inner Mikdash is very much connected to our shadow self. I’m really starting to learn about it, become friends with it, understanding its language and just really becoming its friend.

I’ll tell you a little secret, Tonia. You could actually see. So whenever I teach, I have a little chair next to me. You could actually see it. It's right here. Right here. And I always say, this is for my shadow self. Like it used to be really scary for me to share my voice. Like really scary. Like, I was so terrified to share my voice. There was a part of me like I didn't like my voice. I didn't connect to my voice. 

And I realized, when I actually became friends with it, part of myself – Again, I harmonized, I integrated, and I started having a connection with all these parts of myself. And I’m like, "Hey, you're just going to sit next to me. I’m friends with you. You're going to be with me when I’m teaching and I’m sharing my voice." It actually helps us to deal with the shadow part of ourselves, because it's not scary anymore. It's not like, "Ooh, that shadow, that scary ghost that's coming out of the closet." It becomes our friend. 

Now, Tiferet is also the middle column Sefirah. So all the middle column Sefirot are coming all the way down from Keter. That's also this idea of truth, of speaking our truth, of expression, which is really the idea of flow. I know when we were talking about before the podcast, you're like let's not talk about this too much before, because you want it to be very authentic and truthful in our conversation. 

And that's why Tiferet is truth. It's the idea of Yaakov. Yaakov, it says titen emet l’yaakov. That yaakov is the idea of truth. And it says that yaakov chevel nachalaso. That Yaakov is like this rope. Just like a rope, when you pull from the bottom, it pulls down from the top. That the idea of truth and connecting to our voice and expressing ourselves really comes from this place of channeling from a very high place within ourselves. This idea of flow. 

I think when a person really has a loving relationship with themselves – And I would say, again, that was a very big part of my healing journey of being able to use my voice, and share my voice, and express myself, and then I’m coming from this place of flow. I know if I over prepare a class, like it's not going to come out good. No. Because again it's not Hashem, it’s me. There's too much of me. I’m not flowing from Hashem. I’m not this humble vessel, which is just channeling down Hashem's light. And that's the idea of truth as well.

Tonia: That's so good, that Tiferet is not just the integration of Chessed and Gevurah, but an integration of all parts of ourselves. You introduced your journey with codependency as a mother specifically when you kind of had this reckoning of like, who am I going to be when I’m not a mother? And I think that this really speaks to that, which is that, sometimes, a mother could be a really big part of someone's identity. But when we pin our entire self on one part of our identity and do not allow all parts of ourselves to be integrated, we do a disservice to anyone that we give to because we're not able to give because we're just a fraction of ourselves. 

And I think that what you're sharing with Tiferet is so powerful, and that it encourages us to really welcome all parts of ourselves and not just, like you mentioned, the shadow self, but also all of our strengths, and also all of our interests, and hobbies, and curiosities, and friendships, and all parts of ourselves so that we could be so integrated and we could show up fully in that state of flow when we're giving to people, when we're giving to the world, when we're in our lives. It just totally changes the game. Totally changes ourselves and our contributions to the world.

Miriam: Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. It's so powerful. So, so powerful. And it's really something that the Lubavitcher Rebbe really stressed, this idea that women should use all their gifts, and all their talents, and all their strengths. Because, again, we're integrating all of ourselves. And then whatever we're doing, we're doing with so much more joy, because it's like all of us is there. All of us is present. So true. So powerful.

Tonia: Yeah. Yeah. Let's do Netzach. 

Miriam: Okay. Netzach is translated as endurance, victory, fortitude, and it also means eternal. And it's really the implementation of Chessed. 

So we could have an idea that we want to give to someone, we want to do something, we want to give tzedakah. But, again, there's that implementation with this Netzach. And it's really the idea of the ability to stick to something, sticking to a goal. I like to think of it as what Nike says, which is like just do it. 

And really, Netzach and Hod actually go together. In our body, the right foot is Netzach and the left foot is Hod. They really work together in synchronicity. So there's the idea of sticking to something. But there's also the idea then of holding back, of really examining, like, "Wait. How's this going? Is this going well for me? Is this something I really want to do? Am I doing it properly and effectively?" So that's why this balance, again, of Netzach and Hod. 

But something really interesting about Metzach that really hit me is that this whole idea of doing, and having goals, and sticking to something, for me, energetically, it kind of felt like much more of like a Gevurah energy. Like, I have to just do this. I have to stick to it. For me, personally, my journey with it was much more like a harsh Gevurah like constricted energy. But it's not. It comes from the side of Chessed, which is expansiveness. 

And I think that really says a lot to us about how we have to go about our doing, and our goals, and our day-to-day, our list, and our planning, is that we have to really come to it from this place, this energy of expansiveness. And a lot of that really has to do with the language that we choose. Like if it's like I have to do this, or I should do this, I need to do it. Like if you think about it, you can kind of almost feel it within your body. You feel this constricted energy. When you say I want to do this, I love to do this, it's much more expansive. 

So it's really the language and also just the energy that we want to feel when we're actually doing something from a place of Netzach, of expansiveness. I’ll give an example. I like to wake up early. I like to wake up before my kids wake up. And I wasn't able to be consistent with her for a long time. And then I made this shift when I started learning about Netzach, when I would set my alarm at night. Instead of saying, "Okay, I want to wake up because I have to do this to-do list. I want to learn. I want to daven. And I want to prepare some food in the morning." I would actually think about this expansive feeling that I feel when I wake. Like kind of almost envision the birds chirping and hearing the birds, and that feeling of expansiveness that's inside waking up early. And then I was actually able to wake up early. 

I think that's a very big part of it. And interesting is that Netzach also means eternal. So you kind of think to yourself, like, why am I not able to be consistent with this? But I think the real message here is that If we want something to be eternal, a goal that we're going to be able to stick to, it has to have this energy of expansiveness, of Chessed, of love for ourselves, and this kindness, this loving energy that has to really permeate it. 

Tonia: That's excellent. 

Miriam: Now, another thing is that Netzach and Hod are compared to the willow branches, like, if you look at the arbah minim and the four species. So netzach and hod are the willow branches, the aravah. Yeah. So very interesting is that the willow doesn't have a taste and it doesn't have a smell, right? That's of the four species. There's no taste and there's no smell. 

But when we look at the meaning of aravah, what does it mean? It comes from the root word arev, which means delightful or pleasure. What does that really mean in our life? Sometimes, when we're doing something, we're going through this process, we have a certain goal that we want to do, or anything in our life. And we don't always feel the inspiration in the process. It doesn't always feel inspiring to wake up at five o'clock in the morning. It doesn't feel so inspiring to, I’m sure, record a podcast every week and have it on your head, right? 

But at the same time, when we actually stick to things, and when we actually do things even though we don't feel the taste, we don't feel the smell, we don't feel the inspiration in the process, but that really is delight. That really is pleasure. It's kind of just this actually implementing, implementing our goals and really knowing when we have to hold back. That really brings, again, the ultimate pleasure, the ultimate delight in our lives. 

Tonia: Oh, nice. That's very resonant, that idea. And I like how you said it, that Netzach is connected to Chessed. Because it's so true. If you want something to be eternal, it has to come from that place of love and positivity, as opposed to that place of obligation.

And I think that sometimes it's really just  a mindset shift. Like you said, it's not even about changing what you're doing. Sometimes it's about changing how you think about what you're doing. Like that example of waking up early and envisioning the birds chirping and envisioning that expansiveness of actually waking up early, like just changing the way you think about it is what changes your ability to show up for it. 

Miriam: For sure. I’ll tell you, I’m like allergic to folding laundry. I find it really challenging. But when I started learning this idea, I started realizing, "Well, if I put on a podcast, or I put on music, I make it more of a fun, expansive, loving experience," then it just became much more joyful. And I’m actually able to fold my laundry. Like I don't have mounds of laundry all over. So there's so many practical applications to this. 

Tonia: Yeah. 

Miriam: Okay. Hod is splendor, glory, humility. And it's really this idea also of gratitude. Again, Hod is the idea of the implementation of Gevurah, this holding back. Where, again, Netzach is proactive. This is more than holding back. And Hod really is the idea also of a gratitude, of Hoda’ah, of being grateful. And it's really the essence of who we are as Jewish people. It says we are Yehudim, which comes from the root word hod. The first thing we say every morning is Modeh Ani, which is the idea of gratitude. 

And I felt for myself, gratitude really brings you back to the present. And when we're really present, that really also is I feel like a big aspect of dealing with anxiety. Anxiety is about the future. So it's going to be. But when we really have gratitude for every little thing in our life, we come much more back to being in the present moment. And that really was also a very big part of my healing, personally. 

Okay. So then we have Yesod. Now, Yesod is a bonding or connection. It's the idea of Yosef Hatzadik. It says tzaddik yesod olam. He's the foundation of the world. Now in order to really connect to others, we really have to be able to bond. 

Now, what does bonding mean practically? So our child could be screaming, right? And they could be having a temper tantrum. But really, they don't need discipline at that point. They need love. Really, Yesod is when we're really connecting to another. Really bonding to another person. Am I able to really come out of ourselves and be like, "Okay. Wow. This kid is acting out so much. They're screaming." But really, they just need a hug right now." And it takes a very deep, again, bonding and connection. And that's the idea, again, that Yesod is this middle calm sphere that goes all the way up. Because we really have to go to a very high place within ourselves to come out of my emotional instincts, which is me like, "Oh, boy. This kid is making me crazy now." And to be able to know, this kid actually just needs a hug. They need a lot of love right now. And that's really Yesod. Really, going up high to really see what the other person needs. 

Tonia: Nice. I love how I’m really recognizing that each of the Sefirot is really rooted in the first one, in Chessed. in being able to see things with compassion, with kindness, and using that as the foundation for whatever the Sefirah is. Like Gevurah is not being mean. It's actually the ultimate kindness to give a boundary. And then here with Yesod, the idea that recognizing that what this person needs right now might be love and not discipline. 

Miriam: Absolutely. You hit it on the nail, Tonia. Yeah. So let's go into Malchut a little bit. I think Malchut as women is so powerful because it's really the feminine of the Sefirot. And it's defined as royalty and kingship. 

Now, Malchut, we discussed a little bit before. But I want to touch on this idea that Malchut means that we're co-creating our reality with Hashem. And we are constantly birthing. We're constantly co-creators with Hashem. So when I was going through this process of that miscarriage and just think of like, "Whoa, oh my God. I’m 39. I may not have any children anymore." 

But, again, like we're always birthing. We're always bringing newness to the world. We're always really able to be, "What can I contribute? What can I give to the world?" That is Malchut. And it's also being very present again. Malchut is being within the world, in the here and now. And really about the vessel, the body. 

And I think that was another very big part of my journey, my healing journey, was really becoming connected to my body. Really learning how to regulate my nervous system, what that even meant, breathing. Again, that ties into what we're seeing in the beginning about self-care and valuing, taking care of our body, and eating well, and exercising is a very big part I feel like of our personal geulah, of bringing that into our lives. 

And another very practical application that I really feel is that when we're doing healing work, a lot of times we can get very stuck in what happened in the past, our childhood traumas. Things that our parents did to us growing up. But healing can only happen again in the present, in Malchut, in the here and now. 

So it really is about looking at patterns, being curious with ourselves of our triggers in the here and now. Patterns that we're experiencing in the here and now. And how we can heal ourselves only in the present moment. And that was another very big, to me, reality of what Malchut is. Really working in the here and now. As much as, again, we have to go back to see what kind of led us to where we are now. But the healing happens here. 

And, again, it's really about integrating all this into our vessel, because the body, again, is this communication with our soul. I feel, like as women, if we could kind of sum this up, I really feel that it’s about valuing ourselves as this vessel. That if a vessel has holes in it, everything's just going to fall out. 

So in order to really have this vessel that's overflowing, it's again working with our Malchut, working with our vessel. Integrating all the lights of all the different Sefirot. Not just saying, "Okay, I’m about Chessed. Or I’m about Gevurah. And I’m just one dimension." But again, recognizing that place that our Malchut, our vessel, is whole. And in order to bring the light within ourselves, we have to have this whole vessel. And then it overflows. It overflows. 

Tonia: That's such a beautiful concept, that sometimes you can look at different things to focus on. Let's go with Chessed. You start with Chessed, and you want to work on Chessed. But if you don't include everything else within it, then obviously it is not a healthy Chessed and it's not really a whole Chessed. 

And so, saying that it has to include all the Sefirot within it in order to be fully whole is a really important piece. And I love what you said about the here and now, too. That it's about really focusing right now on: Where am I holding? Right now, where can I improve? Just for today, just for this moment, this week. As opposed to really sitting in the past. 

I’d love if you could share where you are right now in this process? Because you spoke about how you had this big moment when you began this journey. But where are you right now, in the Malchut? In the here and now of your journey, where are you and how are you navigating and integrating these Sefirot into your life? 

Miriam: It's interesting you're asking me that today, because I was actually just having this conversation. I definitely feel it's been a long journey. Listen, it's been about six years in the process. And thank G-d, I could say I’m really mostly on the other side. I feel like I’m much more in tune to myself of really when I can give. How much I can give? What's a yes? What's a no? 

Because every no has a yes. Every yes has a no. And thank G-d, I’m able to again have big Shabbos tables and guests. But I also know how to get help, how to ask for help, how to have people come and help me when I’m doing that. And, yeah, it's interesting. It's been a journey. It's a forward and a backwards with everything in life. But I will say, thank G-d, when you really sit. And not only just learn these concepts, but really, really dive deep into them and really focus on integrating them. I feel like the barometer for me is like how am I feeling in my body? This is something I really learned. 

When I’m feeling regulated within my body, when I’m able to actually take a deep breath and not feeling constricted for me, and that's something that I could actually say within the past few months has actually shifted. Then I realized like I’m really integrating this. Because, again, I’m integrating into my Malchut. I’m integrating into my vessel. So thank G-d, I think I’m mostly on the other side. It's a process. But I’m very very grateful to have really learned these concepts. And, Hashem really blessed me to find the right teachers, and the right coaches, and the right therapist and to really integrate them. Thank G-d. I feel very blessed.

Tonia: Nice. What's your advice to anyone on this journey who is seeking to integrate the Sefirot in a really wholesome way? I’m going to go with, because this was our main topic, specifically people who are struggling with that unrectified Chessed. So the very beginning of all the Sefirot being kind of off balance and in a really depleted place in their life, how can they begin the process? What would be your advice on how to begin the process of integration all the way down into the here and now where it actually is affecting their life?

Miriam: I think the first step is to really start really learning about Gevurah. Because, again, that is really the energy that we really need to implement, to balance, to integrate the whole idea of codependency. Of really learning about putting up healthy boundaries. 

I think, that a lot of times – Again, what we said in the beginning, that you have to go to the other extreme. If you really feel like you're constantly taking care of others, and people pleasing, and nurturing others. Stop. Stop and really listen to yourself. Really start being curious. Listen to your body. Really listening, like, wow – 

When I realized I was constantly in fight or flight. I was constantly coming from a place of being depleted and being in an adrenaline-rush. And really sitting with yourself and valuing yourself to really feel how you're feeling in your body and know it's okay to say no. And really reach out for help. I mean, I’m also very open to helping people reach out to me. I can give my email, Tonia, on the podcast. I’ve been helping people with this journey of codependency. And to start also learning about self-care. What things do they like? What self-care can they actually start giving to themselves? Starting in all areas, eating, exercising well, of how you can fill yourself up. 

And starting to really open up, again, with curiosity. What do I like to do? What are my desires? What are these things that bring me pleasure? And to take time for that. To really value that and to really take time for that. And not to be scared again to reach out for help in the process.

Tonia: Nice. All right. Thank you so much. This was so powerful. I'm like, the amount of wisdom in here, I have to go into each of the Sefirot and really meditate on it. We covered so, so many ideas. Thank you very much. 

Miriam: Thank you for this opportunity. 

[END]

host’s outro

Tonia: Chessed, I learn to give without drowning, 
Gevurah, I fashion vessels to hold my love. 

Tiferes, I bring my full self to the table. 
Netzach, I persevere from a place of passion, 
not fear. 

Hod, I trust my passion, 
even when it simmers 

Yesod, I approach the world 
with connection, and love

Malchus, 
I take responsibility for my own story, 
I rise to greet this moment, right now, 

I turn my gaze to the present, 
to my breath, to my vessel.

I am made up of so much that came before me, 
but right now, I choose the life that I have.