Jewish women talking about Torah and the lived experience of our Judaism.
My Journey to Shabbos || with Nili Navot and Vanessa Chalem
Today’s episode is dedicated in memory of Chana Kesselman on her 12th birthday, by her loving parents.
Today’s episode is also sponsored by Sara Mayberg, in honor of her husband and daughter’s birthdays.
To sponsor an episode, please visit www.humanandholy.com/sponsor
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Nili Navot: My name is Nili Novot. I have a few things I’m passionate about, mostly Chinuch, working with kids, and Shlichus, helping other Jews basically connect to their neshamas. And I do coaching for women. I really like working with young adults, And, yeah, also guiding women on their journeys.
Tonia Chazanow: Cool. Thanks for being here today. I’d love if you could share with us a little bit about your journey to Shabbos. How has your relationship with Shabbos evolved throughout the years of your life?
Nili: Basically, I grew up in a home that my parents are Israeli, they grew up on a kibbutz. So, they're kind of like these super left-wing liberal Israelis. And we were traditional. Actually, I would always light candles with my mom, and we would have a Shabbat dinner. And one of the guys would do kiddush, like my dad or one of my brothers.
I am the only girl. It was always like I had essential things about Shabbat. Like, I knew those things. But actually, this might sound weird, but it wasn't in my concept to know that there's such a thing as Torah and mitzvahs. And I think especially because we did keep things. We kept all the holidays. Like I said, a little bit of Shabbos. It wasn't like, "Oh, okay, we're secular, and then other people are religious." It was like we do whatever we do, and I literally didn't even know it was an option to keep Shabbat. I had no idea what that even would mean.
There were a bunch of different kinds of moments throughout my life that really shifted me and my relationship with Shabbat and with Yiddishkeit and everything. One of them was actually, I was living in the city. I grew up in New Jersey. I went to school, college, in the city, around the city. We would go out Friday nights. And it happened to me several times. And it was davke on a Friday night where I would be out either at a bar, or at a club, at a party, and I just had this very, very specific feeling of just feeling off and feeling like this emptiness and feeling like I don't want to do this. At some point in my twenties I realized that like a bunch of my friends also kind of stopped going out on Friday nights. We were Jewish, but we were obviously not observant.
And I remember thinking, "Oh, I think it's just like – It's Friday. It's the end of the week we're tired. We don't want to go out anymore." And then only years later I thought about it, I was like, "That specific feeling I had, it was really like I know I shouldn't be here." Like, a part of me knows. And I had no idea what that was, what that part of me was. That was a big turning point.
During that time, I actually had a friend that really mekareved me. I was like in my early 20s. I was like 24. I don't even know where it came from. But she basically told me, "You have to light candles at a certain time, at a certain minute." I had no idea this thing about lighting candles 18 minutes before sunset. Someone would call her. And then she would call me. So, it was this little chain. She told me the exact minute of when I need to light candles. And I was like fanatic about this. I’d be like counting down. And then when it was that minute, I would go and I would light the candles. I would say the blessing. And then that was it. That was one little thing.
And then only years later I was like, "That's so funny. It's just funny." It's like, "Where did that come from?" But I think it's really because I wasn't frum for a long time, even though it wasn't not logical and I didn't know anything. I didn't know what things meant. Like, our neshamas know, our neshamas want to be lighting Shabbat candles, and keeping Shabbat and doing all the things that hashem wants us to do.
Tonia: Okay. I have a couple questions that I’d love to explore with you. The first one being, what was the bridge? I think it's so interesting to me that you mentioned that you grew up in a traditional family where you had the concept of Shabbos. You lit candles with your mom. And someone made kiddush. What was the bridge for you between that Friday night experience and actually beginning to keep the Halachos and the Jewish laws of Shabbos?
Nili: Mm-hmm. That's a great question. I made aliyah at a certain point in my late twenties. That was a big turning point for me because I was always like hardcore. When I say hardcore like, I was really kind of like a fanatic zionist. I really felt like it was a big part of my mission to kind of defend Israel. Also, because my name is Nili, I would go places, and first thing, "What's your name?" I would say my name, and then I’d get whatever response is.
Hashem just made it that way that it just I often was meant with a response of like, "Oh, you come from Israel. Oh, you come from that place." And right away this like intense political conversation. I just was always on the defensive.
And so, only when I became firm I realized my purpose isn't to defend myself to the external world. It's more about something much more internal of like strengthening, first of all, myself, of course, and then also other people, other Jews, that we connect. It's kind of like a long-winded answer. But basically, I made aliyah. And then I realized, "Wow! It's not just Israel. There's something else."
Really, the way I became frum is through Shabbat, and specifically through going to Tzfat. I was living in Tel Aviv. I made aliyah, I was living this very secular life in Tel Aviv. And then I went up to Tzfat at one point. People ask me, "How did you become frum?" I say to them literally one word “Ascent”. There's Ascent in Tzfat and it literally gave me the Shabbat experience. And that really just changed everything.
Tonia: What was it about Shabbos that drew you in?
Nili: I think it was everything. Just the whole experience. A big part of it was going to different families, which I think is just such a beautiful thing that they do. You get to be like part of a family and part of something that's like nothing you've ever experienced before. And maybe for me there was an element of like, "Oh, I had a little bit of this." We sang some songs on Shabbos. But it's different when you sing all the songs and Shalom Aleichem and you really feel the holiness and the unity and just the connection with other people. And like, just that experience, the whole Shabbat experience, the love, the warmth, the unconditional love. Just the feeling that you have on Shabbos and the food, my neshama wanted that, you know? And I found it.
Tonia: Can you share a bit more about that feeling that you're describing on Shabbos? I know I’m probing. But I think that it would be so powerful to hear. What was that feeling that you experienced during those Shabbosim in Tzfat that really drew you in? You said it was the entry point to your entire Jewish journey.
Nili: Yeah. I think a lot of it is the place itself. Like you walk through the old city and these cobblestone alleyways and you literally feel like you're in another century. And you feel the holiness. So, it's a little bit hard to describe holiness. But you really feel it, because it really is – It's tangible. But I think there's something about when you light the candles. For me, that's like a moment. Not always. Like, now lately, a little bit less. But sometimes it still happens where you light the candles, you cover your eyes, you look at the candles and it's just like, "Oh." Like, you feel the week - like, "Whoo!" it just leaves. I think a lot of people have that experience. And, yeah, it's just this new light that comes down.
I think a big part of it is davening. Going to shuls that are inspiring and that are enjoyable with singing, and music, and dancing, and being around people also that are inspiring and that you feel that unity, and joy, and connection with. Yeah, it's an all-around kind of experience.
I think some people when they become frum, they kind of experience something and then they say, "Oh wow!" Either they say, "Oh, I really like this lifestyle." Or whatever it is. But it's kind of a conscious decision: "Oh, I want to live like this. I want to become frum."
For me, it really wasn't like that. It was really just an experience of, "Okay, I’m living in Tel Aviv, and then I do Shabbat. And I love it. And it's amazing." And I would just jump into it because I came into it very open and very naive. I think that's actually something I’m so grateful for. I think it's such a gift, because there was nothing logical about it. There were no limitations.
I remember I had certain friends. And people say to you, like, "Oh! But you can't do this. You can't do that. There are so many limitations.” And I’m like – I don't think I’ve ever been like, "I wish I could drive right now on Shabbos." Because it just wasn't – That's not the journey that Hashem gave me. I mean, not that I never want to do anything with Shabbos. I’m just saying, like, when you go into it just so thirsty, then you don't feel the limitations. I really went into it and it was just all love and Chessed, you know?
Tonia: That is so beautiful. I’m listening to you talk and I sense what you're saying, which is that it was just like this pull and this draw. And because there was such a big draw you didn't notice the restrictions that came along with it. It was kind of an organic thing to experience. I do have a bit of question. Do you mean that you just weren't necessarily paying attention to the laws at the beginning? You were just experiencing it? Or was it that because the experience was so great that you didn't notice that there were restrictions that came along with it because the experience was so large in your mind?
Nili: Yeah. That's a good question. Actually both. Because I wasn't thinking about it in terms of like, "Do I want this? Do I not want this?" I think so often we can be in our heads. And then that's when things become difficult, because then we're being logical and we're coming from the side of gevura.
I think a lot in terms of the Sefiros. So, a lot of it was just because that was just my experience. I would go. I would do Shabbat. I would just jump into it. It wasn't a question of like, "Oh, should I use my phone. Should I not use my phone." It wasn't even a question. It was just like I’m here, and Tzfat and the scent is Shabbos. Like, that's what's happening here. So, I’m in it. And I’m doing that.
And then I would go to Tel Aviv, and then I did start going to shul. So, I would go to shul. But I wasn't necessarily keeping Shabbat. This was actually a big turning point, was that – In terms of the halacha question that you're asking. I would keep sometimes and then other times not keep. But not because it was conscious. Again, none of it was really conscious. And this was a big, big turning point.
I had a book with with Letters From the Rebbe- was the first book I had. It was actually about the Parsha with Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, A”H. It's an amazing book. I bought it, and it was just sitting there for like at least a few months. And then one day I was like, "I need to read this." And I opened it and it opened to basically the rebbe saying, "It's worse to sometimes do things and then sometimes not. Then to like not do something at all." Because you already know what you should be doing. And then you're kind of picking and choosing. And it really hit me. And it made me conscious of the fact that I was doing that.
That was a big turning point for me. And then at a certain point I said, "Okay, I do Shabbat here and there. And the next step was really committing to it." It was like, "Okay, I’m going to actually choose to keep Shabbat. Not just make it something like that." But I think also, it was actually when I made that commitment, only later I looked back and I realized it was the first time I did the 40 days of reading Tehillim.
Sometimes we do things. We're connected and we're taking on something more. And we make decisions from that place. And then only later we realize like, "Oh, I think it was actually just doing it that made me like more connected."
Tonia: Interesting. Like, it made you more sensitive.
Nili: Yeah. I was just doing more of something that was good for my Neshama. I think it gave me the strength to be like, "Okay, I’m going to commit to this.”
Tonia: That's so beautiful. And I love how organic your transition was to Shabbos. Makes me think of dating. And then when the engagement is so obvious, it was like you loved it, you were just being drawn to Shabbos. And then at a certain point it was like, I’m ready to commit to it and I’m ready to make it a consistent part of my life even on the days when it doesn't feel easy. Because every Shabbos won't always be convenient and won't always be the perfect magical experience. But committing to it is such a step in welcoming the magic of Shabbos even on the days when you are not as interested.
I’m wondering what the transition was for you from those magical Shabbos experiences to now committing to Shabbos to keep it every week even if you weren't going to be in Tzfat. Even if you were going to be in your secular environment or wherever you would be, what was that transition like?
Nili: Yeah. So, I lived in Tel Aviv for an entire year, and I was keeping Shabbat. But I really only knew how to keep Shabbat because, again, I was living in Tel Aviv. So, it's before I went to seminary. I did after that year end up you know learning. And that's when I really started learning Halacha.
It was in that time period that I didn't really know what Shabbat was besides whatever experiences I had in Tel Aviv and then sometimes in Jerusalem also. I had a friend who came and stayed with me in Tel Aviv for Shabbat. And at that point, like, no one frum was living in Tel Aviv. We were acquaintances. And so, she came to stay with me for Shabbos. And she taught me Shabbos.
Something I really think about often is that it's so amazing how you learn something from someone. You think about them for years, I would have my Halacha teacher, his voice and his image in my mind of like, "Oh, only take the good from the bad." You know what I mean? Like, he was with me, mamash, every Shabbos.
I really, really give credit to this friend of mine that came to visit me, Esther Greenberg. She mamash taught me from beginning to the end how to keep Shabbos.
And so, for years, Every time I would do whatever she taught me, I would think of her. And really, it's such a gift that that's the way that I learned. So, she came. She stayed with me for Shabbat. And I remember she asked me, "Oh, do you have a kiddush cup?" And I was like, "Oh, I have these cups." And then she's like, "Oh are they toiveled?" I was like, "What?"
So she was like, "Okay. Let's go buy cups." And the whole Shabbat was just such an amazing, beautiful experience. And I think I was just thinking about it, because her way was just - she's such a warm and loving and chessed person.
So, yeah, we went out and we bought these little glass cups. And we went to the ocean in Tel Aviv and we toiveled them. And that's how I learned about toiveling. And also, it's just such a beautiful experience. And it was just done with so much love. So really, like it's such a gift that that's who Hashem sent me. Because if I had gone to Halacha Class – To be honest, I went to Tzfat when I was ready. I was like, "Okay, I’m moving to Tzfat." Now, I’m really going to take on this life and this lifestyle. I was like, "I’m not going to Halacha classes."
I just wasn't there at that point. And I was also like I’m not Halachah learning because it's laws, and laws aren't fun, or it's limitations. So, I literally didn't go to Halachah classes for my first year. And then the second year, I was like, "Okay, now I’m ready for proper Halachah." And I went to Halachah and ended up being my favorite, favorite class. It was just such a joy. And again, it was the teacher that just made it so fun. Hashem bless him. Rabbi Turkoff in Tzfat. Yeah, we were just laughing. There was just so much – He just made it great, and so fun, and so like practical – Practical, but also like – I don't know. I can't really describe it. There's nothing like it. A gift.
Tonia: Okay. First of all – I just want to say how much I admire you. I’m just amazed thinking about you in Tel Aviv. Keeping Shabbos with your friend. Going to buy new cups. Going to toivel them in the ocean. The level of dedication and willpower and love that it takes to begin to draw close to Shabbos in an environment that doesn't prioritize Shabbos practice at all is so inspiring to me. I know that people do it. And yet just sitting here right now with you and listening to the story of how you did, it's just really moving. I just want to say that first.
And then I want to ask you about the Halachah piece, because we're talking about that transition from just the beautiful connection, and food, and singing of Shabbos that initially drew you in and then actually beginning to keep the Jewish laws. What was it and is it about Halachah that ultimately drew you into keeping it? Because you mentioned that you had some resistance to it. What was it about Halachah that you connected with? That you were like, "Yes, this is how I want to channel my inspiration." Because, technically, you could have remained a very spiritual person connected to Jewish practice but without keeping Jewish law.
Nili: Wow! Well, yeah, it's a great question. And thank you. Baruch Hashem. I'm so glad that anything I’m saying is you know. I kind of feel the opposite. I understand thinking like, "Wow!"
It's something I’ve heard a bunch of times in my life. Like, "Oh, keeping Torah and Mitzvos is so hard." But I actually feel like the opposite. I mean, of course, nothing's easy in general. But like I think when it comes to being an observant person or not being an observant person, because I’ve really been both, I just think it's much easier to be observant. I really feel like it's a gift that I grew up the way that I grew up. And I really experienced everything that I experienced.
I think also, by the time I was exposed to all these things, I was older. So, it was like, "Okay, I was already living for, I don't know, about like 30 years, being totally secular." I mean, things were whatever they were. Some things were great. Some things less great. But I just really appreciated, and I needed it. You know what I mean?
The thing is we can either be aligned with our G-dly soul or with our animal soul. And obviously, that's always a struggle on Shabbos, during the week, like, every day. It's like what are we aligned with? What are we feeling? And it really is just a gift from above that Hashem just gives you this this light and just gives you this beautiful experience, and it's really a gift from above to really help you connect.
And then, of course, at least after a while, at least after a few years, it's definitely something that you have to kind of work towards more and it doesn't come so easily.
I have a friend who says – It's like my favorite thing probably that I’ve ever heard. She says, "What is Halachah? Halachah is Hashem's love language." It's basically Hashem telling us not just how to serve Him, but how to have a relationship with Him. How to connect with Him. How to be in the world in the way that He wants us to be. And when you think of it that way, it's just – I don't know. It's really inspiring.
Tonia: It's powerful. I can really appreciate what you shared about it being such a gift. I mean, everything in life is challenging. But when it's something that your soul needs and is drawn towards, then it's really a gift. And there's a certain ease that comes along with it even if the moves themselves are challenging. So, that was a beautiful sentiment.
I’d love to hear what your relationship with Shabbos is right now.
You mentioned that a couple years after becoming more connected to your Jewish roots, you had to start putting in more effort. What are some things that you implement in your Shabbos observance now in order to implement that type of excitement and passion for the day and the observance?
Nili: Yeah. I think one main thing definitely that's much harder for me than it was in the beginning is lighting on time. And I think that's such a big part of bringing in Shabbat in a good way. Not just to be calm before it, sometimes we light it like four sometimes we light it like eight o'clock. And no matter what, you can be scrambling. So, it's not that we don't have enough time. It's just that it's about managing your time and just being prepared for it in the right way. So that's something, yeah, that I really struggle with. I think that when you do prepare for it properly, that's a really big thing. Even just as Shabbos comes in, really, to be by the candles. That helps me a lot. Sometimes I light, and because I’m lighting last minute, which B’ezrat Hashem I will improve with that, with whoever else needs to, I give us a Bracha to really have strength to be able to light on time. Strength or whatever we need. Discipline. I don't know. Time management. It really changes your Shabbat. To be by the candles. To sit with them. Read some Tehillim by them. A lot of it is like being in a place that's also inspiring. Going to shuls that are uplifting. Being around people that you feel connected to and things like that.
I think a big part of it is also – for me, in times that I did feel a little of a down. Because it's a constant, like any relationship, ups and downs. And sometimes you need to put in more effort. Sometimes less. I definitely felt like at times when I was a little bit down, I felt like what really helps me was kind of becoming a Shlucha and being around people who were just starting to keep Shabbat. So, that's always so inspiring and takes you out of yourself.
I think once you – It's human nature that when you do something a lot of times, and then like for years it can become rote. And so, I think it's an avoda just to like to try to go outside yourself, like a constant balance. Trying to be balanced. Trying to also balance your own experience. Doing whatever you're doing, and davening, and whatever. Maybe singing. For me, singing is a very big part of connecting. So, there's like the internal stuff and then there's also the external. Like, how are you relating to other people? How are you bringing Shabbos to other people? Or just, in general, connecting with other people. Because that's such a big part of it.
Tonia: Yeah. That is so beautiful. And it's full circle, because you started off by sharing that the thing that drew you into Shabbos was the connection that you experienced in Tzfat. So, ending off with that sentiment, that if Shabbos is feeling a little stale to connect with people who are experiencing it for the first time as a way of awakening you to that wonder, and also, just to connect with other people in general over Shabbos. Introducing it to others and also just gathering on Shabbos. Connection is a very powerful form to reawaken that magic that we want to feel on Shabbos and that connection with God.
Thank you so much this was beautiful and inspiring.
Nili: Thank you. Thank you so much.
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Vanessa Chalem: My name is Vanessa Chalem. I am a young professional. I live in the Boston area. I was born in Colombia in South America. I grew up in Miami. And then I came to Boston for college. And I’ve been in Boston ever since. I love the community here. In my day-to-day, I’m a product manager at Salesforce. And on the side I’m always trying to help out in the community around different programs, things and love spending time with friends and family. And love connecting with people like you.
Tonia: Awesome. Thank you so much for being here. I’m so excited to hear from you a little bit about your journey with Shabbos. If you could just begin by sharing a little bit about where you started with Shabbos and then where you are now?
Vanessa: For sure. Where I started? It's definitely been a journey. I remember from when I was young, I went to a few summer camps when I was in high school. I had the opportunity to really experience a real Shabbos when I was away at these camps and just really loved it and wanted to bring it back to my home, back into my life. And it had to be a process. So, when I started, I was still at my parents' house during high school. Still just dealing with a lot of the demands of a high school student preparing for college. And I knew it wasn't feasible for me to take it on completely. But there were a few things I started doing.
When I was young, I started not using my phone Friday nights. And then I would try to not use technology even just Friday night. Or really, like, try to make sure we did a Shabbat dinner at home Friday night. And then one of the things I took on very early on was that I wasn't checking Facebook on Shabbos. I feel like this was like Facebook just was kind of like the hype back then. And I felt like it was, we're always like on social media, and our phones, and this and that. It's so consuming. And for me, it was like, "I have self-control. I can do this. I’m not checking Facebook on Shabbos."
And I said, "Every time I feel that urge to go on Facebook, I’m going to go on chabad.org instead." And if it means I’m not fully keeping Shabbos yet because I have a lot of homework, then going on Facebook is no excuse. You're either doing homework or you're going on chabad.org.
And from there, it kind of slowly progressed, Then I got to college and I had the opportunity to really start taking things on more slowly. Got very involved with Chabad and with the modern Orthodox group on college campus. And from there, I had the opportunity to really start taking things on and start removing technology and then not not driving and sort of learning more about the Halachas of Shabbos and how we keep and becoming part of that community that would celebrate Shabbos in that way that's really meaningful and joyous and brought me to where I am today, where I observe Shabbos, love it, prepare for it every week. And I’m excited to drill more into the details.
Tonia: Okay. Cool. Well, first of all can we just discuss that conviction of a teenage girl coming back from summer camp and saying, "I’m not going to use Facebook." I admire that so much. And I have to ask, what was it about the experience of Shabbos in camp that pushed you to go home to a family that wasn't necessarily valuing Shabbos and say, "This is important to me. And I want to start incorporating it in my life?”
Vanessa: In camp, it felt like it was this incredible oasis in time, it was this opportunity to really feel time for what it was and really value every moment and have that opportunity to really connect with the people in front of us. Connect with Hashem without having all of these distractions around us. And the more I was able to really start learning the text, and this is a bit of what we did both in summer camp and then throughout high school and into college, is sort of really learning the text and going into the Halachas and really understanding like where Hashem has commanded us to keep Shabbos. And how we keep it? And how the Rabbis derived like the different laws?
And it all just kind of really started making sense. I feel like a lot of my drive in my Judaism has been very text-based and more I really like saw things and learned it, then it was like, "Okay. Well, now it's an opportunity to really start taking it on."
Tonia: That's very interesting. For some people, it's like the spirit that moves them more. And for you, it was really recognizing the process of how it became a Jewish law and how it was connected to Hashem.
Vanessa: Right. Because it is very interesting also. I guess, in the Torah we have the specifics of, okay, there's the six days of creation and then Hashem rested on the seventh day. And then there's also the parts throughout the Torah where it says, "And you shall keep the seventh day." Or even like for Chagim, where it says that we should refrain from doing work.
But where we actually learn of, what is Melacha and what does it mean to actually refrain from doing work? How our Rabbis derive that from the 39 Melachos? Like, there's all these books that really cover that in depth. And there's all these nuances of what were the 39 Melachos that were done to build the tabernacle? And how is that juxtaposed with Shabbos? And why is that exactly the halachos of what we can and cannot do on Shabbos? And I find that super interesting.
Like, even things beyond just the not using our phone, not using technology, this, that, the other, right? There's so many nuances in the Halachos of like, "Oh, well, why can't we pour water on plants on Shabbos?" There's all these intricacies of where is this derived from? And why we do or don't do certain things? And that's why I feel like there's always opportunity to keep learning and keep growing and keep connecting with Hashem ultimately.
Tonia: Nice. And within Halacha, there's so much room for growth. And so, you go deeper and deeper into the story of Halacha's progression. And then there's just like a deeper and deeper experience of Shabbos itself. Yeah, that's very beautiful.
I think it would be nice to have some context. What was your jewish upbringing? Did your family have a concept of Shabbos at all? What brought you to a Jewish summer camp where they were keeping Shabbos? What was your family's relationship to their own Judaism and to Shabbos specifically before you embarked on your own journey?
Vanessa: That's a really great question. Actually, as I mentioned, I was born in South America in Colombia, in Bogota. We have a really special community. From when we were young, my parents were very connected with both of the shuls in the community, Ashkenazi shul, where we have a Chabad rabbi there and his family, which we're very connected with. And then there's the Sefardik shul. And we were very connected with both growing up. we were the typical traditional South American family where we would drive to shul Friday nights. And go to temple almost every Friday night, almost every holiday. And always do Shabbat dinners with family.
And that's where I think also it's really been ingrained in me in my Judaism that we always lit Shabbat candles, we always had Shabbat dinner with family. It was a time to be very united with the family and really come together as a family every Friday night.
And so, this, obviously for me, also has shifted and progressed over time as I went to the summer camp, came back home, came home from college, started keeping more things in Halacha and started keeping Shabbos differently than my family. Then we also had to make adjustments. Like, "Well, I’m not driving in a car anymore. So what does this mean in terms of who we're going to for Friday night dinner? Or are we hosting Friday night dinner?"
And thank God, this has all been a process and a progress, and it's been an opportunity to really work with my parents to find that balance for both of us. To create that beautiful Shabbos experience both for me and for my entire family, whether it's at our home, or if we go to my cousins, how we make it the best Shabbos experience for everyone.
Tonia: Oh, wow! That's very beautiful that they're connecting to your Shabbos experience. And it's very telling that you had that foundation of Shabbos growing up. And then, you said you were so drawn to Jewish law, which is really what creates the oasis in time.
What does your Shabbos look like now? It's been years since you originally started making changes in your life so that you could take Shabbos more seriously. Now that Shabbos has been consistently in your life for so many years, what would you say your relationship is to it? And how do you experience it? And what does it mean to you?
Vanessa: I’d like to start with talking a little bit about how we start Shabbos, right? We bring in Shabbos by lighting Shabbos candles.
Every Shabbos when I go – and obviously crazy rushed into the 18 minutes. Go and strike that match and light those candles, I also put my match in a tray that says, "A little bit of light dispels a lot of darkness." It's a quote from the Alter Rebbe. And I think like that is the essence of what we're bringing into our home on Shabbos. We strike that match. We have that power and potential to bring that light into our home and to really define what that Shabbos is going to look like.
For me, Shabbos, from the start, the minute I strike that match, it's like all the stresses of whatever the craziness of the week, whatever the rush of the week between work and million things, whatever it was, the minute that match is stroked, all the stresses go away. It's like the most relaxing period of time. It's as relaxing as if I was to go get a massage.
Tonia: I get that. It's so complete. Your muscles feel it.
Vanessa: Right, exactly. It's like whatever happened that week, whether that email went through, didn't go through, that meeting, this, that, the other, it's all – Like, within the next 25 hours, there's absolutely nothing I’m going to do about it. And so, what we have to work on is to not think about it, right? And there are times when that thought of work or that thought of what's going to happen the next day comes into my mind. And I think that's a critical piece of Shabbos also. It's about being present, about not thinking, not planning for what's going to happen for after Shabbos, but really being able to be fully present, fully in the moment, fully recognizing the godliness in every moment and living it to its fullest potential.
Tonia: So beautiful. Is it challenging, since you work in a non-Jewish environment, for people to understand that you're actually unreachable for 25 hours every week?
Vanessa: Thank God, in my company, typically Fridays come to an end, and we don't really get back online until Monday. It usually works out really smoothly. I think Fridays, when it's in the winter, it gets a little bit more challenging when Shabbos can come in. The earliest in Boston is like 3:55. It's just like an hour more or less that I might have to like sign off of work earlier. Thank God, it's really nice to be able to work from home on Fridays.
But there are still times when I’ve had to just explain that I am signing off a little bit early and Shabbos is. And that there is no compromises. But thank God, I work in an environment that is very flexible, very friendly, very diverse.
Tonia: Nice. Okay. That's really nice to hear, especially on those winter Shabbos, as you said, when it's coming in like pushing three o'clock. Well, more like four o'clock. Are there any areas within your Shabbos observance that you struggle with?
Vanessa: I think the long Shabbats of summer are definitely a challenge when it gets to the late hours of the afternoon. You've come home from lunch. And maybe it's like four or five o'clock and you don't have two hours left to Shabbos. You have a good four or five hours left of Shabbos.
And I think a lot of times I used to struggle with like, "Wow! The day just feels so long. What do you do with the rest of the day? If I nap, that's going to then screw up the rest of my day into the night." And I think, thank God, a way that I’ve been able to really work with this is to find a way to have meaningful plans.
I feel like my life in general, I’m really into structure and routine. And so, I try to find, especially for the long Shabbat afternoons, to have meaningful plans, whether it means to go to a nice Shabbos lunch, to find a friend to go on a walk with, to learn with a friend, delve into a good book.
And one of the opportunities that really changed my life very recently that I became involved with, Rofeh in Boston. It's a Jewish organization that supports families that are coming from all over the world for hospital care. And I actually also live very close to both the Rofeh Apartments and the hospital.
And so, with some friends we found that it's very easy for us to actually go to Boston Children's Hospital. They give us an escort on Shabbos who will bring us up to the baby's rooms. And we have the opportunity to spend the afternoon with some really incredible special children at Boston Children's Hospital. And we know that it means the world to them. But it also makes such an impact in our life.
Tonia: Can we take a moment for the way you have taken what could be such a lonely and isolating experience for a single woman living in Boston where there's a Jewish community but it's not bustling, I’d imagine. And that you've channeled that to going to visit patients in the hospital. I find that to be the most beautiful thing. Like, you are taking what could be just empty time and just, as you said, feeling it so meaningfully. That is so beautiful, Vanessa. And you're so busy during the week. So, when else would you be able to do it necessarily? This is like really a time that you're utilizing for it.
Vanessa: Right. Exactly. Thank God. Really, I always say, Hashem put this opportunity right in front of me.
Tonia: So, I have to ask you, does it feel restful to be doing something like that on Shabbos? I’m curious. I’m genuinely curious. Like, what's your experience of walking to the hospitals, and getting that escort, and going inside, and putting yourself out there? just what's the experience? I’d love to hear.
Vanessa: I feel like the first time I went to the hospital, I was very nervous. It's not something. I’d been around and I just didn't know. Carrying a baby who has a feeding tube. And I felt like I was just very anxious about everything. And then once they showed me how we can carry the baby in a comfortable way, and having this baby in my arms just showed me really the true beauty of life right there.
And whether it was I went during the week or Shabbos, it was like whatever stresses were in my mind, whatever challenge I was going through completely disappeared seeing this beautiful baby in my hands who was going through medical care. And completely shifted my perspective on what is the value of life that is right there.
And now it's something that also it's beautiful, thank G-d, to see that there's a whole community around it .That I tell my friends at shul, like, "Oh, I think I’m going to go visit the hospital this afternoon." And immediately, like, two three girls also want to come. And thank G0d, it's been really special. It doesn't feel tiring. It feels like something very motivating, very energizing. I will say I do take my Shabbos mornings to sleep in a little bit more. I go to a shul that starts davening a little bit later. So, that works really nicely for me. And then I like to take my afternoons to see friends and spend time with them and also take the opportunity to volunteer and go to the hospital as we can.
Tonia: Such a wonderful lesson, because I think, definitely for myself, usually, I look at a long Shabbos afternoon. It's different than yours. Just different life circumstances. But I will say, I have more of a selfish perspective on how can I fill this Shabbos afternoon in a pleasurable way?
But the irony is, is that when we go outside of ourselves and we think about someone else and how we could be there for someone else, even on Shabbos, which is about just enjoying and resting, etc., that could end up being a beautiful way to spend your afternoon. So, I love that.
Okay. So, living in – I don't know exactly what the religious community is like in Boston. So, maybe in this in this answer you'll tell us a little bit. But have you had the opportunity to share or expose people to the gift of Shabbos? And what has that experience been like?
Vanessa: Yeah, thank God, it's something I really love. I love hosting. I love bringing people into my home and giving them that Shabbos experience. And just to give you a little bit of like the lay of the land. In Boston we have a mix of like there's modern Orthodox communities, and then there's like the Chabad houses. And so, both of the communities that I’ve been involved with have young professional Chabad houses. And it's really nice, a really warm environment, where in the young professional Chabads, we have Shabbat dinners. There's a bunch of young professionals and grad students that come together and really experience Shabbos. And those are kind of larger scale. Done maybe once a month, a couple times a month. And then there's opportunity also for me to connect with people and bring them to my home, do smaller Shabbos meals. And it's really something I love, giving other people in the community that exposure and inspiring them to try to to take on that next thing. Or whether it's they just come a little bit early and they get to light Shabbos candles and they get to strike that match.
I will say also, a big part of this is what we do during the week to prepare for Shabbos. And so, I love hosting challah bakes. I think it's a really great opportunity also for Jewish women to connect with the mitzvah of challah and to really also get into that notion of preparing for Shabbos of what we do during the week to also look forward to Shabbos. And that's something that keeps me motivated. Like, "Okay. Well, Sunday I’ll make my guest list. And Monday, start thinking about groceries. And by like Tuesday, Wednesday, I have the groceries or what I’m cooking. And then Thursday's, the challah bake." And it's like what do we do during the week to prepare for Shabbos to make sure that we get to Friday and we're going to have the most meaningful Shabbos?
Tonia: Wow! I like that. Yeah. And it's like, well, Shabbos is our 25 hours where we get to really experience, literally, just purely our Judaism and our relationship with Hashem. So, all week we're working. And I love that the whole week, even as you're working and you're involved in whatever you're doing, you're also working towards the main event, which is Shabbos and sharing with other people.
What would be your advice to anyone either on this journey of reconnecting to Shabbos? Because Jew is already connected to Shabbos. Or someone who already is externally connected and maybe even internally connected to? They keep Shabbos, they maybe have been doing it since they were babies. How can they incorporate more of the spirit of Shabbos into their lives and Shabbos experience?
Vanessa: I’d say one thing is to take everything one step at a time. To recognize the beauty in every moment that we have and to take on whatever you're comfortable taking on and whenever you're prepared to. I want to just share a brief story, because I think this has been really meaningful my Shabbos experience. And it actually happened pretty recently.
I’d say, almost 10 years, I’ve been fully keeping Shabbos. It's something that, thank G-d, my family is very comfortable with when I go home, when we travel. And it's always been a growing and learning process, right? And I think even for people who right now are keeping Shabbos, like, there's always process. There's always growth. There are always things that you can take on or how you modify and improve your experience.
Something that happened to me in the last few months was, in March of last year, my grandmother was in the hospital for a few weeks. It was really rough time with my family. And I made the decision on a whim to just like I needed to go to South America and be there for my family. And we just didn't know what that Shabbos would look like, right? I was like three days before Shabbos and my grandmother was still in the hospital.
And I’m a planner, right? I’m always planning what's the next thing. I’m very type A. And I was very stressed because I didn't know what that Shabbos would look like. Where my grandmother was going to be? Things in Colombia are also very different than they are in America in the sense that like I feel like in America I’m very comfortable with like, "Okay, there's a nearby Chabad house. I’m going to stay at a hotel. I’m going to walk over." In Colombia, you don't necessarily do that. You don't necessarily just show up somewhere and think you're going to be fine with walking at night being by yourself.
So, a lot of things were running through my head like those days leading up to it. Like, what can I do to prepare now? Like, do I bring my tuna cans? Do I bring my challah rolls? Where are we going to be? What if my grandmother's in the hospital? Then what does that mean for me in terms of this, that, Shabbos? And I just felt like I was genuinely very stressed and going in circles because things were completely out of my control.
And at the same time, I’ve been learning Shaar Habitachon, the Gate of Trust. An incredible book that talks all about our trust in Hashem. And side by side, I’ve been listening to the podcast by Rabbi Shais Taub who also does an incredible job in really teaching Shaar Habitachon, and not only teaching it, but living it. And I think that's a big part of when we learn about trust in Hashem, it's not only about learning about what is trust? What is faith? But also, about really internalizing it and implementing it in our life.
And so, it was probably two days before my trip to Colombia, two days before Shabbos. And I still didn't know what would be. But I said, "This is fully in Hashem's hands." And I’m going to just take a step back right now and daven, because that's all that's my control. Daven that my grandmother should have a complete speedy recovery. And Daven that hashem should give me the opportunity to keep Shabbos to the fullest. Because that's what I ask for, that Hashem should continue to give us opportunities to continue to do his will in this world where we learn about making this world a dwelling place for Hashem. Making this world a Dira Betachtonim.
And so, we continue to ask Hashem to give us those opportunities. Give us the resources so that we can really serve Hashem to the fullest in this world, be’simcha. And that's what I had to do.
Apart from maybe like a few of the little logistical things, like definitely coming prepared, right? Bringing my Shabbos candles with me wherever I went. Bringing my challah rolls. Contacted Chabad over there. But apart from that, it was like, "Hashem, this is completely in your hands."
There's a beautiful quote that says, "Those who leave it in Hashem's hands see Hashem's hand in everything." And that Shabbos was just that perfect example of this for me in my life, where a day before Shabbos, my grandmother, thank G-d, got out of the hospital. Was back home. I was able to stay in her apartment. Like, there was just no questions anymore. It was going to be so easy, so seamless. And I was like, "Why was I stressing about this like four days ago?"
And then on top of that, it was like, before I even knew it, Chabad had dropped off food before I even asked the second time. It was like all these things, everything just fell directly into place. I think something that was also so special about that Shabbos was that it was going to be a long Shabbos, right? And it was a Shabbos where I was just going to be in my grandmother's apartment. Wasn't so much entertainment, per se, right? There wasn't going to be like the shul, the community, the this, the that that I always go to. It was me and my grandmother's apartment who, thank God, was recovering. And there was beauty in just that. There was beauty and the oasis of time being there, being able to be there with family and being able to be grateful for the moment that we had.
And then that Friday night, also, my grandmother went to sleep very early. And it was like probably 7:30, 8pm, and I was like, "Okay. Well, I have my book here with me. I have my Tehillim with me." And it was just a moment in time that it was just me and Hashem. Like, that night, I felt like I wasn't alone. I was accompanied by Hashem.
And I think that story taught me something. And I think it's a lesson that can be shared with others. That it's about we can plan as much as we can, right? And I think it's super important to always be – As we mentioned before, like, planning towards Shabbos. Looking forward to it. At the same time, we have to be flexible, right? Things do happen. And we have to keep in mind that Hashem is guiding us every step of the way. And so, we ask Hashem to help us and be able to do his will to the fullest and be able to have Shabbos and experience it and fulfill it the way that Hashem wants us to.
And then when we do have that downtime, that alone time on Shabbos, and what might seem like a long Shabbos, how do we make it the most meaningful that it's going to be for us and to know that we're not alone? That it's that oasis in time for us to connect to Hashem.
Tonia: I love how you discussed that balance of at once trying your best to show up to Shabbos prepared physically, emotionally, spiritually. And then on the other hand, just letting it flow and trusting that Hashem is going to make it pan out the way it's supposed to. And then that other point, too, I thought was very beautiful and important, especially to people who spend Shabbos alone. That oasis in time, that could be so beautiful for a family unit. It could be really painful for someone who's alone in their apartment all Shabbos. So, just highlighting that, yes, It might seem that you are alone, but Hashem is sitting there with you. And even more so on Shabbos when it's our special time to connect with him. that was a beautiful message. Thank you.
Vanessa: Awesome. Thank you so much, Tonia.
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