Jewish women talking about Torah and the lived experience of our Judaism.
Tonia Chazanow: Did you know that Human and Holy is launching an online resource center? Today's episode is part of an extended series on Tefillah. And one of the questions we kept asking is how can we help people integrate all of this information that we are discussing about Tefillah into their lives? And that is how the Tefillah collection was born. Over the last couple of months, we have created and curated a shoppable Tefillah collection that takes the ideas we are discussing and gets them into your hands to give you tools to deepen your own personal relationship with prayer.
This Tefillah collection has four stunning items. Three of them created from scratch from Human and Holy, and one imported from across the world. Check out my solo episode titled The Human and Holy Resource Center, where I tell you all about these four items, give you backstory, intentions behind it, and how they each came to be, and how I hope they will help give you your own personal entrance, enhancement, or deepening of your relationship with prayer. The Tefillah collection launches on Motzei Shabbos, February 25, on humanandholy.com. This is a limited edition collection, and every single dollar made from this resource center goes directly towards fueling our mission of bringing Torah and Chassidus into the world. So set your alarms, mark your calendar, you do not want to miss our very first launch of our Human and Holy Resource Center.
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[00:02:08] TC: Hello there. I'm Tonia, and you are listening to Human and Holy, a podcast where we discuss the deepest parts of Torah. Not just as scholars, but also as human beings.
Today's episode is part of Human and Holy’s extended series on Tefillah. This Tefillah series is sponsored by Rohr Bais Chaya Academy. RBCA is a high school for Lubavitch girls to thrive and discover their inner potential and connection to Torah and Chassidus. Their task is to bring out the best in each student, with individualized attention, a vibrant chassidishe atmosphere, meaningful and exciting extra curricular programing, and learning that's relevant and thought provoking.
Thank you, RBCA, for making this series happen.
If you are listening to this, and love Human and Holy, I want to invite you to sponsor an episode in honor of a birthday, yartzeit, someone you love, or just because you want to support Human and Holy. Email us at info@humanandholy.com, or by visiting humanandholy.com/sponsor, to give in any amount, or to sponsor an episode.
So far we've had Terri Klein, talking about when you don't feel worthy of talking to G-d. We've also had a two part conversation with Adi Bitter, talking all about the siddur. Women’s halachic obligation to prayer, the deeper meanings behind Shema and Shemoneh Esrei, and how to cultivate a desire to actually open up the siddur and pray, even when we aren't halachically obligated.
Today, we get to hear from Shana Alayev. Shana is a wife and mother of four, former speech language pathologist and craniosacral therapist currently battling stage four breast cancer. Shana, in her unique circumstance, is going to talk about her relationship with prayer. What is it like to talk to Hashem when everything feels so uncertain? When you dont feel like your prayers are being answered. And when you wonder what the future holds. What is it about Tefillah that draws Shana close, and that keeps her coming back, again and again?
This week's episode is a raw, human accounting of a woman prioritizing prayer in the messy uncertainty of cancer, motherhood, and daily life.
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[00:04:36] TC: I'm so excited to have you here today. I have ingested everything you've put on the internet, in preparation to speak to you.
Shana Alayev: I feel exposed.
TC: You're exposed. I see a woman who is so vulnerable, raw, honest with the world, extremely courageous, and maintaining a sense of self, despite everything that you're experiencing. I am so excited to speak to you, to get to connect with you. I was crying an hour ago, just watching some of your videos, and just feeling your humanity, and also, your striving. It's so powerful. I'm so excited just to have this opportunity to speak to you. Thank you. I want you to start by introducing yourself, tell us a little bit about who you are.
[00:05:28] SA: Okay, hi. First of all, thank you so much for having me. Like I told you before, when you asked me, I feel like, "What? Impostor syndrome? You don't need me. Why are you asking me?" But thank G-d, and I really appreciate it. I am a 33-year-old mother. I live in New Jersey. I grew up in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, but I actually never really fit into the mold of the schools there, so I did not go to the schools there. Actually, I just didn't fit into a lot of different schools. By the time I was in high school, I was in six different schools. I'm just giving you some background on me. That can do a lot to someone. Imagine a young girl being in six different schools, and not really feeling like a sense of belonging. I feel like that's kind of been with me for a long time. Now as I'm older, I feel like I'm looking at that and internalizing that, and interpreting it for a lot of different things in my life.
Thank G-d, by high school, I went to one high school for all four years. I didn't really go to Chabad schools, even though I am Chabad- my family is. Just, I want you to know that I don't have the whole background of Lubavitch, and all the texts, and all that stuff, because I didn't go to a Lubavitch school. But it's literally always been inside of me, I just didn't realize it. I went to seminary in Israel. Actually, my family struggled financially, and through a lot of other different things. I feel like people don't talk about their struggles, and a lot of things that they go through. But a lot of people do have so much behind them. I was just used to that, just continuing, going from school to school, struggling with different things. I put myself through high school basically, and I went away to Israel for the year I had to find out how to get financial aid. I had different rabbis help me pay for my tickets to get there. I really was determined that I wanted to do that.
I went to Israel for a year and got married soon after I came back. We had three boys, baruch Hashem. When my youngest boy was about five months old, we moved to New Jersey. Two years after that, we had our little girl. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with late-stage breast cancer. I mean – okay. Wait. When I came back from Israel, I got married, I went to college, I became a speech and language pathologist. I was going to start my career, I was going to do all these things that I was set on, and get myself independent, just away from all the struggles that I thought like, "Okay. Now, I'm going to fix it," but Hashem has other plans. I was diagnosed a few months after I had our fourth child, a little girl, and here I am.
[00:08:14] TC: Cliff notes of a very long journey.
SA: In each little thing that I was saying, every stage is just a huge story, and there's so much more to it. But yeah, cliff notes.
[00:08:26] TC: Yeah, very much cliff notes. I want to backspace for a second, because today, we're going to speak about tefillah, but I want to give context to where you are. Can you walk us through discovering that you had cancer?
[00:08:42] SA: Yeah. First of all, it was COVID. The beginning of COVID, and everything was just so scary, and I had found out that I was pregnant. That was scary. First of all, when I moved to New Jersey, I didn't have everything set up here, my doctor, all that stuff. It was just a really chaotic time. After I had the baby, I knew something was off. I felt a lump in my breast, and I told the doctor. I told a few different people, professionals who I thought like, "Okay. They're the professionals, they're going to help me." First, people were saying, "It's okay. It's nothing. Don't worry about it. It's normal, you're pregnant. Okay, you're nursing," and things like that. Then, finally, I actually had an ultrasound, had a biopsy, and they were all just – they did not indicate cancer. I thought, okay, these people are, they're it. If they're saying that everything's fine, everything's fine. But when I was finally diagnosed, it got to a point where it was just, there's no ignoring this. It was pretty bad. I went to a different hospital, I went to different people, and they finally saw that it was bad. They said, this is stage four breast cancer.
I went through ultrasounds, I went through mammograms, really painful things, biopsies, a few biopsies, because they knew that it was in multiple areas. Throughout everything, the ultrasound, all that stuff, I kept telling myself like, "It's going to be good. It's going to be good." I have to think good, because of how everyone says, "Think good, it will be good." I literally was like trying to put that in my head. Think good. Think good. Then when it wasn't "good", I was like, "This is weird. This is not supposed to happen. It's supposed to be good. I was saying that everything is good." Even my husband was like, "It's nothing. It's just this. It's just that. We're going to think good."
[00:10:30] I have a whole different way of thinking like that. Like think good and it'll be good. Because we know that Hashem is all good. For me, think good, it will be good. We're thinking, think about the good expectation or the good outcome that you want, and then it will be that way. I have a different interpretation of that, and I'm saying, think good, which is Hashem. Hashem is all good. Think Hashem, and it will be good, it will be Hashem. Hashem's will. Just be with Hashem, and whatever Hashem has in store will be. We have a different interpretation. We have good meaning, what I want. It's going to be what I want, because I'm thinking that way, manifesting all that stuff. But then, what happens when it doesn't come true, then you're thinking that, okay, that didn't work, and it's supposed to be. This is the formula. Think good, it will be good. Think about that good job that I want. I'm going to get that good job. But no, it's, think Hashem, think Hashem's will, because Hashem is all good, and we don't understand all of it, and it will be good. It will be Hashem's will. That's just a little side piece of all the whole thing.
Throughout it all, I was just "thinking good." Then, in the biopsy, I remember sitting there on that table bed, whatever that thing is. It was extremely, extremely painful, during COVID, so I was alone. It's a really scary time. The whole time I was thinking like, "This test is not to see if I have cancer. They already said that I have it. Now, they're sitting here poking me, prying me, and this is not good. This is not what I was thinking." I remember at that time being very, very upset at Hashem. Like, "What are you doing? What is this? This is beyond the, “oh, it's going to be good, it's going to be good. It's not going to get to that bad point." That was the bad point. I was just like, this is all happening. I remember having a thought in my head like, "That's it. I'm not caring about You anymore. You don't care about me. I'm not going to care about You." I was very upset. I just felt betrayed, and forgotten, and just alone. Literally, I was there alone.
There were these doctors, and nurses, and everybody, and I had to sit still, and let them do whatever they needed to do. I just remember saying, like, "Okay, Hashem. You're not nice. That's not a nice thing to do. I'm done. I was good all this time, I did whatever we were supposed to be. I am a Jewish mother, I light shabbat candles, I say brachos, I raise my kids, they go to Jewish schools, cover my hair, I eat kosher. I'm doing all the good things. You're not supposed to do this to me. Not that he's supposed to do it to anybody, and someone who doesn't do these things. But I felt like I'm doing my part, You do your part. I just felt very betrayed, and He just backed out of the deal. That was at that point.
Then, that was just to determine what type of cancer it was. I remember, I came home that day, all bruised, and scarred, and bandaged up, and just felt like, that's it. I'm a mother, I had four kids at that time, and my little baby was about five months old. Still, again, it was COVID. Just a very strange time in the world. I just felt my own world was just done. I didn't know how to tell my kids, tell my family. What am I even saying? "Hey, everyone. Guess what? I have cancer." Like, what? It was just very strange. My sister, Chaya actually came with me to – what we called RCCS. She's very practical. She was like, “Okay, fine. We have this as fact. Now, what do we do? What are the organizations? What's the next step?” Because for me, I was just like, "Goodbye. I'm just going to lay here and see what happens."
[00:14:35] Then, we went to a hospital in New Jersey, where I was going to be treated because I live in New Jersey. That was just the easiest thing we could think of. But the oncologist who we met with, and the surgeon, said that it's stage four, which means that it already had spread. No cancer is good cancer, but they like it when it's really contained in one little area, and they have a surgeon who can come and cut it out, do some radiation, which is obviously not making light of that at all. But for me, it was like, "There's no point. We can't do that." I was just like, "What? What should I do? Tell me.” I remember, and this is why I did not choose this doctor, because the way she looked at me, she put her hand on me, and she was like, "You're so young." I got this sense of, she was just done. She thought that this was it. Okay, we'll give her some chemo, we'll give her whatever we could do for about six months. Then, that's it. How sad.
I just looked at her like, "No, you don't get to give up. If I want to give up, and I'm sad, and I'm whatever, then I will be able to, but you can't. You have to be strong." At that point, I said, "Thank you very much." From that appointment, the initial appointment with her, she squeezed me in to start chemo, very, very strong chemotherapy that week. She had a whole plan set up for me. We're going to do six months of intense chemo every single week. You're going to be really sick, but we're going to just – I don't know what she was thinking. My sister is sitting there taking notes. I just remember looking at her, and I'm like, "No." I didn't say that to her, but I'm just like, "Okay. You have no idea who you're dealing with."
I went home, and I cancelled the appointment for the chemo, which no one does. This is supposed to be like your lifesaver, and I called and said, "Hi. I want to cancel." The oncologist was not happy about that. She called me and was like, "What's going on? You can't cancel this appointment, you need this. You're clearly depressed. We're going to send you some Zoloft, and you're going to make another appointment for Monday." I was like, "Okay." I didn't know what I was thinking, but I knew that something was pushing me away from this. I'm a very energetic, kind of feeling person. I just felt like I couldn't do that. Not like I was scared or anything like that. I mean, obviously, I was, but that wasn't the reason why. I just felt like a pull that was pulling me away from that.
[00:17:05] I looked through different options. I had a lot of friends who were into holistic medicine and all that stuff. I tried to figure out what people are saying and how to "cure cancer" that way. I was just at that point, just getting very, very weak. My whole family was petrified, my husband, and my sister were talking to each other, thinking that I gave up. I am very stubborn, so I'm going to give it to them. But they thought that I was just going to just do my own thing, and try to handle it, but they knew, I think, at that point, I was in denial a little bit about how severe it was. I was trying to find other ways, and they were just very scared, because it was already past the point of like, "Okay, let's wait and see." It was like, "We needed to start something yesterday, last month, last week."
Eventually, my husband and I actually had a whole conversation about this. He basically was telling me like, "Okay. Let's get another opinion." RCCS found a research study that was studying women who had stage four, which is late-stage breast cancer, and triple positive, which is the type of cancer that I had. It was like, "Oh, this is a sign. She's studying the exact same thing that you have, and you don't have to do this chemo. You have to do a bunch of other things." My sister was like, "Okay, Shana. This is your sign. You like signs, here it is. Let's do it." I remember my husband was like, "Okay, look. Let's do this. Let's try to see if this will get everything under control." Once everything is under control, which it will be." He was still in this thing of like, thing good, it's going to be good. "Then we look for other alternatives."
[00:18:52] He made me write it all down. It's like a contract that we have together, because we were just petrified. We're sitting by the table at night, and he was like, "We need to do this. You need to just do something." Because I was like floating around, like, "I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. I'm going to go to this person, I'm going to go to that person. I'm going to take these vitamins, and these pills, and this juice." He was just like, "Stop." Basically, he made me write it on the paper, "Trust in Hashem." I think that was like my slap back into reality, that I'm not in control, and I have to just go with whatever flow Hashem is pushing me on.
So I did. I went to the research study, and I started a lot of different medications, injections, and infusions, and so many different things. That's what I did. I mean, at first, I was completely just broken, and I was just thinking, "This is dark. This is bad." I was just depressed and felt like, like I said before. I was like, "Hashem, I'm done. You didn't help me and You did this to me, so, I don't even care anymore. What should I do?" I literally felt even more sick. I felt so weak. It's a scary feeling to feel like you are in control or the doctors are in control. It's petrifying. I realized that I need Hashem along this journey. Even though I'm not happy with Him right now, I'm not happy with what He is doing, I don't understand it, I'm going to keep Him in my corner, and we're going to do this together.
[00:20:28] I think that's my take on it right now. Sometimes, I'm very upset, and I'm hurt, and I feel alone and scared, but I'm still side by side with Hashem. I can look at Him, and give Him this little eye, but I know He's there. There's Someone or Something to look at, as opposed to feeling like, "That's it. Hashem doesn't exist anymore. It's me alone and whatever." There's definitely so many times where I'm looking at Hashem and saying, "Oh, okay. I get it. This is why this is happening" or "Thank you for giving me this. I really started to be thankful for all the different things I have in my life, because I just started realizing that I just want to be thankful, instead of resentful. When you count your blessings, and you're really just looking at every little thing that you do have as a blessing, and as a gift, you really feel so special. It's like, "Yeah. This is a gift for me. Thank you."
I started saying lots of different prayers of thanks, and I started incorporating that, and feeling really, really good. Yeah, there are so many things that are going on in my life that are so scary, and I'm still frustrated that this is going on. But again, I just want to incorporate being grateful, being thankful, and having the connection with Hashem, which we'll talk about with the prayer.
[00:21:43] TC: Yeah. Oh my gosh. I have no words for your experience. For the loneliness of having to be tested alone in the room, and having people just touch you, while knowing that something so big is happening in your life that you haven't yet fully processed. That took so much time to be able to even just say, "Okay, I need to do something about it. I need to go with the flow that Hashem has given me to get treated, to be healed." You mentioned how you experience anger, frustration, and all those difficult emotions. Today, what I want to learn from you, that I've seen you speak about, is your relationship with tefillah. What is it like to be in dialogue with Hashem, to speak to Hashem, to actually open up a siddur and daven, when looking at something that's so much bigger than you, that you are not in control of, that's so painful. Stage four cancer, and also all the physical difficulty that comes along with that. It's not just the emotional turmoil, and the toll it takes on your family, but it's also the toll it takes on your body. Can you tell us what your relationship is with tefillah? Is it hard for you to daven?
[00:22:59] SA: I always felt the connection to the siddur, and I just know that it's such an important, holy thing that we have that's so powerful. When I'm davening from a siddur, just opening it up, it really feels like warmth. First of all, there's so many different courses that teach about the power of the aleph-bet. Each letter has its own unique power and source that it brings down from, just imagine like from shamayim, just bringing it down to this earth, all the special properties that it has.
When you're looking at the Hebrew words in the siddur, every single letter, it just comes together, it's so powerful. I can't even express it. I didn't always know what it was, or know that this is the case, but I knew that when I open up a siddur, something powerful happens. It's just amazing that the prayer is there. These rabbis, and people came together, and made an outline for us. Really, you don't even have to think. You wake up in the morning and you say, "Modeh ani." There you go, there's your thankfulness. Then there's this, and then there's the request, and then there's calling upon the Imahos and it's just so detailed and made in an exact way to get us into that state of prayer. I was always into that.
[00:24:45] Then, when I became a mother, it's like, "Okay. I have to be with my kids, and when am I going to have time to sit, and open up a siddur, and let alone just finish a cup of coffee. But now I have to sit here, meditate, and pray." To be honest, I'm sometimes jealous that my husband has a set time where he gets to go, and be with other people davening. If you think about tefillah, and talking to Hashem. Right now, people have so many different courses, and classes and, and things about meditation. They go, and they meditate, and they do mindfulness, and they talk about being thankful, and manifesting the good in their life. It's literally all there in the siddur, and it's all there for us. It's amazing. So when my husband gets to go and do that, I'm like, "I want to go. I want to go and sit with, first of all, a bunch of like-minded people who are all sitting here and praying together." The script is there for us. It's all there. And we're infusing ourselves with all the – I feel like I sound like such a hippie, whatever person, but I'm really not. But I just feel it, like all the letters just coming out at us, and just – you don't even know how powerful it is.
I sometimes get jealous about that. For a while, I felt like, "Okay, I'm a mother now. I can't do that." I lost that connection, I feel like, with the siddur and davening. In a way, it felt like I really just felt like I didn't have a connection with Hashem. Then I realized, as women, we have it naturally. We have it in us. So yeah, it is amazing to be able to sit with a siddur, and open it up, and have the outline, have everything there for us, and be able to daven. But if we can't do that, because we're doing, I don't know, maybe important things like raising a family, and kids, and humans. Just ourselves, prayer is a connection. If you know that, then just having that connection with Hashem could be sitting for five minutes, closing your eyes and just, I don't know, being thankful, saying, "Modeh ani." Or in your own words, just say, "Thank you, Hashem for making me wake up this morning. Thank you, Hashem for giving me my eyesight." You could put in any request if you need. You could say, "Oh, please let that washing machine delivery come on time, because I really need a washer," like whatever you're dealing with.
But basically, once you know that davening in tefillah is connection, then that's what you can do. It doesn't have to be opening up a siddur and spending half an hour that way. That's what I definitely try to do. In my relationship with Hashem, I talk to Him often. Sometimes I'm like, "No, I'm not going to pray right now. I feel like I can't talk to You right now. I'm just so disappointed with Your actions. I can't get myself to do that." But really, the only person I'm hurting is myself, because we need a connection. We are spiritual neshamas, and we're all spiritual, but we're in this physical body here in this world.
Having a connection with Hashem is literally like plugging in, recharging ourselves, and breathing life back into us. If we don't have that, that's when all these lost feelings come and all the things of doubt, and fear, and just chaos because we're just like, what is going on? Who am I? Where am I? What is this? But if we have that connection with Hashem all the time, then all we have to do is, if we ever feel doubt, or fear or whatever, it's just like, "Hey, remind me what's going on? What are we doing?" "Oh, okay. Yeah, right. I'm trusting in You and we're going this way. Okay. Got it."
[00:28:28] TC: Orienting back to the source of everything. Even when things are hard, just knowing that Someone is leading you and tefillah is that opportunity to connect to that. I love how you said that the only person that you're hurting when you're like, "Hashem, I can't talk to You right now," is yourself. I mean, I wouldn't say that about you. I'd be like, “honestly, Shana, I completely understand.” I also learn from you sharing that, that when we for whatever reason don't speak to Hashem, we're the ones who are excluding ourselves from this amazing opportunity to connect.
[00:28:59] SA: Right. It definitely happens that we can't sit and have tefillah for such a long time. But that's why I'm saying, when you realize that tefillah is not what we think it is, looking at the siddur, and you're sitting there, and you're shuffling, and praying. When you realize that it's not just that. It's just, literally, it could be you talking to Hashem. It's just connection. Then, you can do it anytime. Getting your baby dressed in the morning, and then being like, "Hashem, thank You so much for this, this, and this." Or, "Hey, this is what I'm feeling right now. I feel so –" Like just talk to Him. And yeah, it's like you're talking to yourself, and you might look like a psychopath, but that's okay. Who isn't?
[00:29:40] I was learning one of the sichos of the Rebbe. He was talking about the ten days of teshuvah. He was saying how we have tefillah, tzedakah, and those three things. One of the things that he was explaining was prayer. He was saying that it's not the definition that we think it is. It's hard to translate such holy language into another language. Prayer in Hebrew is not tefillah, it's bakasha, which means to pray or request. Tefillah really means to attach oneself. Tefillah – we say, "Oh, tefillah is prayer." Prayer meaning that you're asking, you need something. That's not what it is. I'm going to pray. I'm going to pray for this, which means I'm going to ask, but tefillah is not that. We don't need to ask. Bakasha is the person asking G-d to provide him with something, from above, something that he lacks. He doesn't need anything, or he doesn't want a gift from Hashem, he doesn't have to do bakasha, he doesn't have to do prayer, he doesn't have to ask. So then if someone doesn't need, and they just feel like life is great, they don't have to pray anymore?
But tefillah is the person seeking to attach himself to Hashem, and it's a movement from below, from a man reaching towards G-d. This is something that anyone can do at any time. Tefillah is our connection, and our attachment to Hashem. Prayer is bakasha, it's requesting. The Jewish soul is a bind with G-d. We're connected, but we're living in a physical world, and we get distracted, and we can lose that closeness. We need to constantly strengthen and renew our bond. That's the function of tefillah, renewing your connection. It's necessary for every Jew, for everyone. Even those who don't need anything, and don't need to request from Hashem, they can still benefit and need to attach themselves to the source of life.
When we're thinking of prayer, as I mean, tefillah as prayer, that's where we could say like, "I don't need this or I'm not even going to ask for this because I feel like you're not going to give it to me," then you can get twisted. Once you realize that tefillah is just connection, and we need connection, we need to be attached to the Source of life, to attach ourselves to Hashem, who gives us life, and who gives the entire world, and is literally holding up the world every single second. If we don't have the attachment, we can definitely feel lost, and like we're just falling. So then we realize that we do need this every single day. I mean, I'm sure everyone does this at least once a day. You're charging your phone, right? Need to charge your computer, your phone, your something. It needs to be connected to the source. We are all spiritual beings, we're all here in this world, and we need the connection, and that's what tefillah is. Tefillah is connection.
By telling myself, "Okay, I can't talk to you, Hashem. I feel lost." It's literally like telling someone, "I'm sorry. I can't look at my GPS right now. I'm just lost. I'm lost. I can't look at my GPS. I need to figure this out." Who are you hurting? Look at your GPS, recenter it, find your way, and there you go. You can't do it on your own. That's what I think I'm figuring out, like I can't do this on my own. It's way above me. There's something happening in my life that's supernatural, just like, whoa. In the beginning, I felt like I was just pushed off the tracks. I was trying to get myself back on, and now I'm realizing that that wasn't the path for me, there's something else, and I have to just move along with it. All the while, just keeping my connection with Hashem.
[00:33:41] TC: Do you experience that feeling of attachment to Hashem through tefillah? Is that what tefillah does for you?
[00:33:48] SA: Yes. There are so many times where I feel like I don't have enough time to sit there with a siddur, and I'm just talking to Hashem. It's a different feeling, but it still feels safe. Like, "Okay. I still have my connection." I put my thoughts in, and I spoke to the Manager. You know what I mean? Like you feel better about that. But when I do have time to sit with my siddur, and I turn off my phone, I really use that time as my meditation. As my zoning out, clearing my head. Because I think that it's important to know that at the time when we're doing tefillah, when we're connecting, we're giving the opportunity for our neshama, our soul, to speak.
Throughout the day, we're doing whatever, we're talking, we're in this physical world. But when we're in the process of tefillah, you don't have to think too much. If you're with a siddur, and the words are there, and all you have to do is just say them, it will come to you. So many times when I open up my siddur, and start with Modeh Ani, I sometimes close my eyes and just say the words, or I just really look at each letter, and each word, and just say it. There comes a point in the davening where I start getting so emotional. Honestly, I don't know the translation of all the words. Okay. I'm exposed. I said it. I don't know. Obviously, I know what we learned and this one means this. This is a prayer. This is a request. These are different things. But I don't know every single translation. I just do know that obviously, our neshama knows. My neshama definitely feels it.
Especially in Shemoneh Esrei, at certain points where I just use that as my time. Like I’m saying the words that are in the siddur. Then I pause, and just let whatever's on my mind come out. Then, however long that took, whether that was 20 minutes, 30 minutes, I feel like, "Okay." That was my spiritual recharge, reconnection, and now, there's so many hours in the day that I have to do all these physical things. It's so hard when we have our physical body, and our spiritual soul inside of it. That's like, "Hey!" They're kind of like conflicting with each other and I think that we need to recharge both of them, reconnect. We need to eat right, we need air, we need safety, shelter, all that stuff. We need connection with Hashem, and connection with our spirituality, and give food to our neshama, which is recharging, and connecting. Once we give that, the time that it needs, I feel like a lot of us will not feel so lost and disconnected anymore.
[00:36:29] TC: I find it so powerful that you said, “just looking at the letters.” Like recognizing that the letters themselves are so potent, because all of us can get behind speaking to Hashem, and just attaching ourselves to Hashem. I think something that really moves me about your relationship to tefillah is the way that you really do make an effort, even if not daily. But you do make an effort to open up the siddur, and to say these words inside, and to let those words channel your emotions and experiences. You were speaking about experiencing gratitude to Hashem, and then you mentioned Modeh Ani. That you seek to express that gratitude with your neshama's language, with the siddur. I think that's very interesting and unique because a lot of people struggle to connect to the siddur, and to be able to open the siddur, and experience your human emotion of gratitude through the words of Modeh Ani, and to really recognize that these Hebrew letters are holy, is a very powerful way to recenter yourself to your neshama. I think it's exactly as you said that your neshama wants to be connected in its body. Talking to Hashem is giving it an opportunity to speak in your day.
[00:37:42] SA: It's kind of like giving the microphone over to the neshama. And we're talking through our mouth, and every day we're going along and people hear our voice. Then our neshama, like imagine this little glowing thing. I mean, I'm just saying in the chest, because we think, okay, the heart and all that stuff. But imagine this glowing light that's like, "Hey, I have something to say. I want to be heard." I mean, by taking our siddur, and just opening it. You could just imagine it like this little light, or a person, or energy, and just it getting its glow, and just shining even lighter.
[00:38:20] There's so much that we don't understand. There's so much spirituality and the sparks that are in this world that a lot of us don't see, but it's there. I think that by doing certain acts, even if we don't understand it, if we continue doing it, even just like trying to make it a habit. It doesn't have to be every day, or whenever we do it. Just knowing that we're picking up a spark, and we're making ourselves stronger and our neshama stronger, is powerful. Just give the microphone over to your neshama, let it be able to speak, say what it needs. Also think of it as recharging it, just like we recharge ourselves, recharge your Neshama, your spiritual side, and that definitely helps you physically. It's a connection. The mind, body connection, your thoughts, the way you think, and the way you talk to yourself does something physically to you.
When we have a plant, and you say, "Talk nicely to the plant, it's going to grow nice." It's true. Talking nice to ourselves, doing nice things for ourselves, and letting neshama glow, and have its spotlight does so much to us. We just need to give it that little attention.
[00:39:36] TC: I think it's interesting that you mentioned habit. Because for most of us, and definitely myself, my instinct is, "Well how can I create a habit of tefillah because that will prevent me from really showing up intentionally and having kavanah?" But I think that what you're highlighting, which is so valuable, is that showing up consistently, creating a habit, gives the opportunity for you to experience kavanah. You have to sit down. You have to open the siddur even if you don't – I'm talking to myself here. You have to open the siddur – truly I am. Open the siddur even when I don't feel like opening the siddur because the feeling of connection is only going to come when I start. It's like you get into the flow by beginning. You're not always motivated before, but when you're in it, then the letters, the words, the messages, they begin to penetrate, and you begin to feel connected. I think I seek to feel connected before I open the siddur.
[00:40:35] SA: Yeah. I mean, it's like telling someone before they work out, "No, I want to feel strong first right now, and sweaty, and feel like I'm doing the work, and then I'll work out." No, that's not going to happen. You need to come to the gym, and lift those weights, and walk on the treadmill, and then you will start feeling it. Even in the beginning, you're like, "Oh, gosh. I'm in the gym. I'm doing whatever I'm doing, exercising, and you don't really feel it." But then there's kind of like a switch where you find, "Okay, I'm getting somewhere and I feel a momentum." No one leaves the gym after a really good workout feeling like, "Oh, I shouldn't have done that." You don't do that. You think, "Wow, that's amazing. Why don't I do this more? I'll do this every single day." We have that. It's the same thing.
You might not feel all spiritual, and amazing and I'm going to have all the intentions. But just by the act of picking up the siddur, and holding it in your hands, that's something. Then, you can sit down, you can open it.
TC: I love that.
SA: Look at one word.
TC: Nice.
[00:41:39] SA: Do a little bit. Don't tell yourself, I have to sit here and say Brachos, and Baruch Sheamar, Ashrei, Yishtabach, Shema, all the things, and then a whole Shemoneh Esrei, Ashrei, Aleinu. Then you're like, "Ugh! It's too much. I can't do it." Hold the siddur in your hand. Hold it. Put it next to your chest and just sit there for one minute. That is your connection for that day, if that's all you have. Okay? The next day, you have a little bit more. Sit down, open. You know what? Not even to the Modeh Ani, to the letters, to that page in the beginning, where it has all the aleph-bet, and the nekudos at the bottom. First of all, I don't know why I love that page. Like it's so funny. It's just so simple. I think that's my favorite page.
In the siddur, there's endless possibilities. All of the aleph-beis are right there, and you can do whatever you want with it. I think that page, just open up to that page, and look at each letter. Look at one letter, look at aleph. And think about how it's like – okay, there's so much that goes into it. Each letter has its own thing, like reaching from above. and us reaching to Hashem, Hashem reaching to us. But if that's all you have for that day, look at a letter. The next day, look at Modeh Ani, maybe say it, maybe just look at the words. Because for some people, it is a very emotional thing. Like in the beginning, when I was at the state where I was so upset with Hashem, and feeling so hurt, and just abandoned, I didn't want to open up a siddur. If you gave me a siddur, I'd be like, "No, I can't do this right now. I'm not feeling it."
If you're not ready to open it, because some people still have this, bitterness, or upset. Then, I'm not telling you to go open the siddur and start praying. Don't say anything, hold it, just hold the siddur. If you're not even there yet, then don't even think about a siddur. Just mentally tell yourself, and close your eyes, and say, "Hashem, I am connecting with You." There you go. That is your tefillah for the day.
[00:43:38] Mentally, having a little switch in your head that says, "I hereby say I am connected to Hashem." That could be your tefillah for the day, because it does something, it really does. The next day, you'll do a little more. You know what, actually, there was a time where I told myself, "I don't have time to daven today." I said a few things, had my own little prayer that I did. Maybe saying, "Thank you, Hashem for this" or just having a moment. That inspired me to daven and open up the siddur. So it could be that you don't have time and you feel like, "No, I'm not going to do it." Then it will inspire you to do more. Midah K’neged Midah.
TC: For sure.
SA: Just start. That's my little tip for anybody who's saying, "How do I feel connected to Hashem? Just talk.”
TC: Talk.
[00:44:27] SA: Yeah. Talk to Hashem. That's your only thing. Then, you can figure out what's good for you. I'm saying, "Oh, the aleph-beis are connection," because that's my connection. I feel that. Maybe someone's like, "I don't know what she's talking about. These are just letters. She's crazy." That's fine, because this is my connection to Hashem. You might have something else. Just talk. Your language might be something else. Your neshama might be speaking a different tune to Hashem, but that's yours, and that's your connection. We all have our own unique connection to Hashem, but you're not going to know what it is unless you start.
[00:44:57] TC: I think it's helpful to remember that the siddur is a vehicle for us connecting. Like the siddur itself, the words of the siddur are there as an entry point into talking to Hashem. Because how do you talk to Hashem? What does that even mean, to talk to Hashem? The siddur gives you the language to begin. Like you were saying, it gets you sweating and gets you in there. Even if you don't feel anything, you're in it, your feet are moving on the treadmill, you're walking. Then, you have the opportunity to introduce the feeling, the emotion, the connection.
I love how you said, just pick up the siddur, hold the siddur, look at the words Modeh ani, look at the Aleph Beis. I was very touched by you saying that just the aleph-beis is your favorite page of the siddur. There's a beautiful simplicity, and there's something so strong there. There's something raw.
[00:45:56] SA: Like you said, the siddur is the vehicle. And some people need a script. Sometimes, you don't need that script, and you can just go with it. But to feel that connection, and safety, and if you don't know what's going on, you want to know that there's something there that you can fall back on. And I mean, it's amazing that we have that. Because like you said, people are like, "What? How do I talk to a Hashem? What is it?"
Once you open up the siddur, and read the Hebrew, and even read the English, you start to say like, "Oh, yeah. I do feel this.” Whatever part of tefillah you're up to. It was all there because, again, we are all spiritual neshamas, and I feel like all neshamas want the same thing. Sometimes we're not tapped into it, and we don't know what to say, what our neshama wants to say. But if the script is there, just open it, and read it, and your neshama will feel it.
[00:46:47] TC: You know what I'm thinking? That tefillah, like you were saying is an opportunity to give your neshama the microphone. If you're going on a coffee date, like a good coffee date, in my opinion, or a good event, or any type of gathering, or meet up has to have a beginning and end. I don't want to show up not knowing if I'm going to hang out with you for eight hours or two. I want to know what our time limit is, what our time constraints are, when we are leaving, because then I can fully sink into the moment, and experience it, because I know, it's not endless. I think that the siddur actually gives that, beginning and end. It's like, I want to talk to Hashem, but what's the structure, what's the framework? Okay. I'm stepping into the siddur, whatever I'm committing to, there's a beginning, there's an end. Now, we can feel something. Now, I can talk. Now, I can connect.
[00:47:31] SA: Yeah. That's actually so true, because sometimes you start davening, and you're like, "Oh my gosh. There's so much to say." Think about it. If you had the opportunity to sit and talk to the Creator of the world, it's endless. You're going to say, "Okay. First of all, this, this, this, this." All your little things in your life, and then your kids, and your husband, and your spouse, and your family, and the world, and politics, and everything. It's just like, "Oh my gosh, this is never going to end." It gets like, "Forget it. I can't even – I can't. Canceling the meeting, because we can't talk. It's just too much." It's too much.
If you don't have time for anything, just say, "Hashem, bring Moshiach." Because that just covers everything. It's a blanket over everything, it's going to solve all the problems. Especially now, there's a lot of different things going on with me health wise, and I don't know what to do. There are different treatment options that I could choose from. Do I stay where I am? Do I change doctors? Do I move to a certain place for a while to get treatment? It’s a lot of decisions, a lot of things to think about. But if we had Moshiach, then this would all be taken care of, so let's just do that.
I think, honestly, that could be someone's prayer if they're not up for siddur. Just even saying, "Hashem, please bring Moshiach." That's your tefillah, and that covers everything.
[00:49:18] TC: I fully agree with you. I do not think that it has to look the same every day, or that it can look the same every day, especially for women, and depending on what you're doing. I'm thinking about you, like you can have an early morning appointment, where you just simply don't have the time, or the energy, or the ability. But what I admire so much about you is that you keep Hashem front and center, and you're talking to Him. I feel like you're davening the whole day.
[00:49:43] SA: Yeah. If I'm on my way to my appointment, being thankful for first of all, thank G-d, I'm in the car, I got an Uber. Okay, we're going there. And making good time, thanking Hashem that the kids are going to be picked up by this person, or whatever. I'm just constantly either being thankful for something, or yeah, or I have a request and saying, "Please, let this be a good appointment. Please let the doctor see me within the two hours of my waiting." There's so much that goes on. I think really, this whole thing taught me that you just have to go with it. Stop trying to fight what's happening. Yeah, we have to stick up and do what we need to do. But one thing I'm thinking of is, when I'm in the waiting room sometimes, I'm in there for a long time. The doctor that I go to is very sought after, people want to go to her. You could sometimes wait for two hours. It could be more.
When I am sitting there, I'm like, "Oh my G-d. This is taking forever." Looking at my clock, looking at this person who went in, "Oh, she came in after me, why is she going in" or whatever. It's really, it can get very dark, and feeling tense, and all that stuff. Now, what I do is I tell myself, "I'm going in today. This is my day to just be." I could daven. I could have tefillah. I could do my crocheting. I could color." I brought a coloring book once. I can go to the park, there's a park outside if it's nice, and just sit with nature, or whatever, and make phone calls that I have to do with some other billion phone calls. That's that. I remember seeing somebody who was getting really, really worked up saying like, "How are we waiting for so long? This is not okay. You're making us wait so long." She was very upset. I just remember looking at her and being like, "Wow! I'm so happy that I am not in that mindset of, “this needs to happen."
I get it. Sometimes we really are like, "Okay, I have to get home. My kids are waiting, and this, and this," and it's frustrating. But when you know that you're not in control, and you are doing what you have to do, then you're giving it up to Hashem and He's taking over. Literally, she was very frustrated, and she left without seeing the doctor. A minute later, they just called me in, because she left already. I was like. "Okay."
[00:51:49] TC: I hear that. It gives you the ability to actually enjoy the process even if it's so painful, like you sitting in the waiting room, and being able to daven, color, make phone calls, enjoy nature. I think that only happens when you're connecting with Hashem in the process. I want to ask you what your relationship is between asking. Because I know you said a beautiful thought about tefillah meaning attachment, and attaching ourselves to Hashem. Is it painful for you to want something so badly with your health, and your family's well being and just not know where it's going to go? What is your relationship with that and Hashem? How do you speak to Him about that?
[00:52:30] SA: I think, I used to say, "Hashem, please." Before I was diagnosed, "Please let it be that it's not cancer, and that whatever" or "Please, let it be an early stage. Please let it be able to fix. Let me just do the surgery and it'll be done." Eventually it was like, "Okay. That's not happening." I don't know what to ask anymore. I'm literally lost. To be honest with you, I am actually in a state where it's really hard to think this way. Again, with the whole idea of think good, it will be good. I try not to get myself into this thought, because I don't even want that to be a possibility. But I just know that whatever is happening is going to happen, and I don't have control over anything.
I know that it's a possibility that within a few years or something, that I won't be here anymore. I think that in the beginning, it just ended everything. It was just like, that's it. Everything you thought was a lie. Everything is done. Everything is sad. Everything's dark. But once I opened up to real connection with Hashem, I realized that, and I feel that, this is not everything. This is a physical world right now that we're in, but there is more.
[00:53:49] There is definitely more. We are in a physical world, and it feels like this is it. We see what we see. Then, when someone passes away, or whatever, you feel like that's it. It's a very scary thing to think about. But because I have that connection, I'm feeling like whatever happens, I'm connected to Hashem here, I'll be connected to Him there, so just letting go of everything. When I'm davening, it's not like, "Hashem, please make it all better, and do this, and this." That's what I do ask for, obviously. I want to be able to see Moshiach, and be here with my kids, and all that stuff. But like, I just kind of say, "You have a plan Hashem, let it happen, but let Your plan – let me see the good in your plan. Let everybody see the good in your plan." I don't know. It's interesting. My ultimate tefillah is, "Please, Hashem, make me be healthy, make my kids be okay” and all that stuff that we that we always daven for. But I do know that my think good, it will be good, is knowing that Hashem is all good.
I'm thinking Hashem, I'm staying connected to Hashem, and it will be all good. I will be with Hashem, I will be connected to Hashem in whatever craziness or beautiful calmness I'll be in. But knowing that I'm going to be connected, when I feel that scared, and doubt, and fear, it kind of goes away a little bit. It's so interesting that I'm saying this, because I really do feel it. I'm obviously in a very difficult situation. It's interesting that I'm able to sit here, and talk about it. It's like okay, this is a simple thing, which obviously, it's not. But I think when we have that connection, I'm seeing how it happens right now.
[00:55:39] Two years ago, when I was diagnosed, I didn't have this strong, strong connection. It was there, but the fact that I was tested, and like, "Oh, really? You have a connection? How about now? How about when you're literally drowning in the ocean, do you feel like you could connect to Me?" Yeah, I do feel like that. I feel like I have a connection with Hashem, even in the hardships, and the craziness, and the darkness that I'm in. It's way better to be in a dark room, knowing that you're being watched, and supervised by Somebody who has a plan than to be in a dark room and say, "Okay. Now, what?" Not be connected to anything. I don't feel like I'm not smart, I can't get myself out of this situation. Even the smartest person couldnt.
We're just people, we're human. We're limited. Human and holy. We are human, we have our limitations, but we are holy, and that's our connection. Being human is being down here, sometimes being scared in this dark place of doubt, and fear, and uncertainty. But being holy is having your connection with Hashem, and kind of having this little string that you pull on, and it's like, "Hey, you still there? Okay, good. So I'll just continue going" because you need that connection.
[00:56:55] TC: I'm completely speechless. I think the only thing that I can say is that, with all of my very human powers, I just want to bentch you with a complete refuah shleima, and ask anyone who's listening to daven for Shoshana Tova Bas Leah. You should not have to have this type of strength, you should be in a brightly lit room, and feel Hashem guiding you, and be speaking to Him. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being who you are. I think that like you said, that when you started connecting to Hashem, there was a certain amount of fear that dissipated. I think you are eternal; your essence is eternal. What you give and are giving to the world is everlasting. In 120 years, Im Yirtzeh Hashem, everything that you're giving us is eternal. I'm really grateful to you for showing up, and sharing, and really inspiring me.
[00:57:53] SA: Thank you. Thank you for having trust in me to be able to inspire, because I think we don't know our own strength and I really am learning to just go with it. When you asked me, I said, "Okay. Really?" I just want to say no, because I feel like that's not for me. I'm not this person who could speak, and tell people inspiring things. But I'm going to go with it and maybe your neshama and my neshama were connecting, were talking, and I don't have to understand it. But I'm happy that I said yes, and we're doing it, and I hope that it can inspire anybody.
[00:58:24] TC: I want to end off before we just actually close, with, What are your words of advice to me? I definitely have excluded myself from davening being a mother. I don't always open the siddur. What is your advice on how to be more in conversation with Hashem throughout the day?
[00:58:43] SA: My advice is, first of all, don't compare yourself to anyone, or even yourself before you had kids, before you had the opportunity. Don't say, "I used to be able to daven, and open it up, and say all this stuff. Now, I don't." Just do what you are now at this moment, and just talk. If you're talking to Hashem, and throughout the day you just want to talk to Hashem, that's your connection. That's for sure what you need. That's your tefillah. Just talking to Hashem throughout the day is amazing. I would say, if you want to get more into the actual, like we said, the whole benefit, and beauty of knowing that there's a script, that there's a siddur with a beginning, middle, and end that's there for us, a blueprint to be able to say, and guide us, and get us stronger into the workout.
[00:59:32] If you want to get there, I would say, first of all, actually, buy a really nice siddur that you like. A really nice, colorful one or something. My sister actually bought me a nice siddur. It's purple, and it has a little zipper, and I really like it. And it's not a huge siddur, it's pocket size. It's big enough for me to – I don't have to strain my eyes, but it's not huge, it fits in my purse. By yourself something that when you hold it, you feel special. A nice, bright color that you like, texture or something. Right there, and then, now, you want to hold it, and that makes you happy. It's a little thing that you like. That's my first piece of advice. Buy a nice siddur that you like.
Then, every now and then, just hold it. It could be every day, it could be a few times a day, hold it, put it next to your chest, just that little feeling of like, "Here's my siddur, it's mine, and all these powerful things inside of it. One day, I will be able to just do it all. Right now, I'm doing amazing things by taking care of my kid, even if my kids in school, and I'm home just worrying about them, that's taking a lot of my mental energy, and I don't have the energy to right now sit and open up the siddur and say a whole prayer." Some people might say, "Well, my kids are in school. How come I don't have all the time to pray." We have a lot going on in our head that takes up a lot of mental energy that we don't even know. Hold your siddur next to you, and then again, open it up. That's the next step. It doesn't have to be every single day. The first step, is buy the siddur that you like. The next week, hold it up to your chest, and just feel it for 30 seconds, one minute. That is giving to yourself. That's your time. Your neshama time. Don't underestimate that.
[01:01:23] Next time, you can sit down, and open it up to whatever page you want. Like I said, the one with the aleph-beis really connects with me. I look at it, and I think about all the aleph-beis, and the power that it has. Then the page of Modeh Ani just really also speaks to me. Honestly, what's calling out to me right now is Ashrei. Not the page of Ashrei. I don't know. It's just like something about it, I look at it, and I'm like, "Huh. This has stuff inside of it that's just really amazing." Maybe just open up a page that you feel connected to, and say the prayer, say that tefillah. Eventually, you'll find your rhythm. But just do what's good for you, and don't compare yourself to others. I think people have this fear of, if I'm opening my siddur, I have to say all the things that we had in school, all the tabs that my teacher put in my thing, where I have to say them all. But that's really daunting and a huge task for me, so I can't, so then we don't even start. Just start with whatever. The first thing is, get yourself a nice siddur.
[01:02:22] TC: I love that. I think that's so practical and I agree. Just start holding it, start interacting with it, and make it your special siddur that you are connected to. You said how we beat ourselves up. My kids are in school, why am I not davening? I think that sometimes we see it as so obligatory that we do want to make excuses. You are such an amazing example. You have every excuse in the world not to daven. You're not davening because you feel obligated to daven, because you're totally not obligated to daven. You see it as an opportunity for you to attach yourself to Hashem. If I wake up in the morning, and I think I have this opportunity to connect to Hashem with my special purple siddur with a zipper that I can hold close to my chest, and just speak to Him, and create a structure that works for me. I think that's so empowering. Shana, thank you.
SA: Thank you.
TC: So beautiful. Thank you.
SA: Thank you for having me.
[Musical Interlude]
TC: Join me next week for a solo episode about the Chassidus of prayer. Tefillah plays a really central part in Chassidic life, because it's the service of the heart that grounds our intellectual study in a personal relationship with G-d. What do the Chassidic sources have to say about prayer? Join me next week to find out.
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